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“I’d say a family vacation, but Leland won’t close up the business for anything. Lawson is just getting on his feet. He might have a girlfriend. It’s Massey. They’d be really lucky to have each other if they can get out of their own way. I hope she doesn’t hurt him. Remember what happened the last time?”
I nod, talking to myself. Still nothing. My mom keeps her eyes set on the garden. I ramble on for a while about different topics before getting on my favorite subject.
“My girl is looking good. She needs a paint job, though. What do you think? Red? Red and black? Maybe a matte black?”
My mom looks up just as the nurse comes in for the evening to take her to dinner. I stand, giving the nurse a small smile.
“Ok, mom. I love you. I’ll see you next time.”
Offering a kiss on the top of her head, I walk out of the room. Briefly hearing the sweet nurse speaking to my mom. My lip trembles at the love these nurses have. I couldn’t do their job and I seriously can’t think of how they can do their job either. I dash out of the facility and run to the safety of the cab of my truck. Slamming the large metal door shut behind me and work to steady my excessive breathing. I want to cry, but I have no more tears to offer. I want to scream, but she won’t hear my pain. I want to fix everything, but it’s all out of my control.
If I could cure my mom and bring her back, I’d be the happiest girl in the world. If I could soothe Leland’s worried soul, I’d douse it in comfort. If I could shower Lawson with reassurance, I’d help him see he’s amazing as he is and deserves to be loved.
If only…
Chapter 6
Collins
Sunday—super secret spot. I’m meeting with my best friend at our hidden gem only a few locals know about. It’s a drive and then a hike to get here. It’s an all-day affair for this place. The open, quiet, and secluded place is just what I need after visiting my mom.
It always takes a few days to decompress after a visit with her. The evening after is usually when I throw on a pair of headphones and turn the music up to escape my reality and fall into tinkering in my car. And then, days like today. There is not a cloud in the sky; clear water and rideable waves sit at my fingertips. It’s waves and my girl that give me a feeling of Zen, where I can reconnect to myself.
I am on my knees on the white sandy beach with my longboard in front of me. My mind wanders toward my last interaction with Victor. Just one comment has replayed over in my mind. Who would date me? I don’t have the best track record with men. My knowledge of cars intimidates most men. They also don’t understand why I will never leave my brothers and move on with my life.
I mean, how can I? Leland gave up everything to take care of us. Lawson made up for what Leland couldn’t do, especially on the emotional scale. They taught me about cars, surfing, bartering. I watched both of them get their heartbroken. The anger and resentment that followed, no thanks.
Boyfriends left me behind when I wouldn’t leave my siblings behind. Period. People can’t possibly understand what it means to be… well, me. Being in love or in a committed relationship isn’t in the cards for me. I am more focused on the people I genuinely care about. The people who gave up a great deal to take care of me and raise me.
I am brought out of my mental fight and deep thoughts with Massey approaching… with him! I am seeing red.
“First, hi. Second, I’m sorry,” she pleads.
“What the hell is he doing here?” I am failing to not act like a complete jerk. This is our spot. She knows I saw my mom.
“Long story short, he’s shadowing me for local stuff.” She sucks her lips in her mouth, holding her breath.
I look around her to watch him struggling to carry a cooler and a surfboard. I glance back at my best friend while biting the inside of my cheek to prevent saying anything that could blow up our relationship.
“Thank you for not ripping my head off. I know this isn’t ideal. I tried to get out of it…”
I don’t even let her finish before turning my back and dropping back down to my board. Grabbing the wax from my bag, I rub a quick layer on my board. My focus is strictly on the wax and the circles I make to build the layer. I focus on the crashing waves, clear sky, and warm sand beneath me. Massey stands at my back and thankfully doesn’t say another word. Allowing me to process this sudden situational change.
Victor plops down in front of me. “Hey stranger!”
I gag at his positive attitude. It’s like he’s trying to be nice. I look away, hoping he gets the message.
“What’s that?”
He doesn’t get it. I look down at my hand and sigh.
“Wax.”
“What’s it for?” he asks.
“Ask your best friend.” I stand, throwing the bar of wax in my bag and trudging toward the ocean as it is calling for me.
“Collins, come on. I’m sorry!” Massey wines. It stops me as I only get two steps away from them.
