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Her head turns to look at us. Her vibrant light blue eyes that match mine are void of any life. Victor takes in her appearance. He carefully studies her face and movements. Although a lot has faded, you can still see some scars.
“It’s very nice to meet you. The garden is beautiful today.” He points to the window.
“It is beautiful,” I add. “Maybe you want to go out?”
Nothing, no response. She just sits back in her chair and keeps looking out the window. My continued hopes fall to the background. I pick up a magazine from her side table that I exchange every week and sit back to read. I revert to the only thing I know how to do, talk about my brothers.
Victor sits close to me and, for once, it’s nice to have someone here to visit with me. Leland barely comes. It’s too hard for him. When I asked him why, he said he feels so much pressure to take care of her, and us. Because we didn’t have more. He feels like he let her down.
Lawson refuses to come because of the silence. He can’t stand the silence. He is a creature that needs physical and vocal assurance and, in her state, that’s neither.
So, I sit and visit. It’s the first time I don’t feel so alone.
“I think Lawson and Massey are going well. They set me up on a blind double date. Mom, can you believe it?” I laugh, remembering how the night started, then how it ended. “Leland and I had a good heart to heart. He’s been an incredible brother and guardian. You’d be proud.” I switch it up and surprise Victor. “Victor can’t surf or fix cars. We are working on that, though.”
“I’m awful,” he adds. It feels good that he is playing along with me in this useless conversation. “Although I thought I held my own at the shop.”
“He lies. He didn’t.”
“I did.”
I roll my eyes with a smile. I am shocked by what he says next.
“Ma’am, I hope you know.” As he speaks, my mom is still looking out the window, but he is looking at me. “Your daughter is one amazing person. You would be so proud of the woman she has become.” I can feel a tear fall and he wipes it away. “She can hold her own in life. She is strong and confident, which is exactly what this world needs more of. You should see how she takes care of other people. It’s inspiring.”
I see movement out of the corner of my eye and we both turn to see my mom looking at us. Searching both of our faces. It’s as if I almost see a glimmer of hope that she’s there.
“Mom?” I whisper.
But she turns away back to the garden. My heart crumbles. It takes every ounce of me to keep my emotions in check. Thankfully, the nurse comes in to break up this uncomfortable situation and says it’s time for her evening routine. I stand and press a kiss to her cheek before we leave.
Victor quickly takes my hand and guides me out of the center. He snags the keys from my hands, allowing me to process this afternoon.
“Super secret spot?” he softly offers.
I can only nod as he opens my door for me to climb in. I’m trying to hold on to my tears and my breath. Visits with her take a toll on my mental health, and Victor’s kind words have toppled my resolve.
My mind wanders as he drives to Massey’s and my spot. I’m a zombie, walking through the motions, when he grabs my board from the bed of my truck, then takes my hand. Guiding us down to the small beach, where I can hear the water slap against the shore. Fresh waves that seem to never disappoint me.
As soon as our feet touch the sand, he puts everything down to text Massey. Victor kisses the top of my head and hands me my board. His hand gently pushes on my back, urging me toward the water. My gaze never wavers from the white tips of the overhead as it peeks before rolling onto the shore. And in another first for me, I look back at a man who doesn’t belong in my world, and I don’t belong in his. Yet, here he is, giving me exactly what I need. He didn’t run or push us out the door as soon as we arrived. Victor was patient and kind. He tried to make conversation with her.
I face the waves again and paddle out to catch bigger ones. I need that adrenaline rush to fill the void of the pain of continuing to mourn a person who is still so much alive.
I lose myself in the afternoon. The ocean is where my heart settles. A small splash pulls my attention. I turn to see Massey sitting next to me. Just her, and her alone.
Glancing back to the beach, Victor is sits in the shade by the tree line, just watching us. I turn back to Massey and I can’t help myself.
“I let him in.” I’m still attempting to prevent the tears from falling.
She nods with a small smile. “I know.”
“All the way,” I choke out a sob. He broke the dam that held my tears at bay for years. Demolishing the barrier I created to get through the days like today.
“So, do we kill him now?”
I whip my head around, laughing hard and wipe away the tears. “What?”
“It’s a valid question. He knows too much.” She snickers at me. “Yeah, how about this? One more ride, then let’s go see your man. He’s worried since you haven’t insulted him yet. It’s thrown him off.”
