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Collins
Back at the shop, I take a moment to gaze at my girl. Suddenly, I feel like I’m back at square one. An empty hollow frame of something that was once perfect. Driving through the world with my heart rumbling with power and elation.
I contemplate the years of labor, commitment, and exhaustion that I’ve poured into her. She was my saving grace. She is how I repaired what was left of my fragile and cracked reality of a life.
Sitting in front of me, she dazzles with her fresh coat of paint, reflecting the sunlight like a flicker of hope. I close my eyes and even with the engine off, I can hear the roaring rumble of her heart.
But I am hollow.
Void of the feeling of life.
Standing before her, I grip a baseball bat, ready to release my pent-up frustration. Swirling emotions that batter me from the inside out. Everything inside of me is at war. The mind and heart fight for control. Mind pulling my heart from jumping into the depths of the endless ocean with no life jacket. My heart, ready to be swallowed by the salty water that calls to it. My mind is fighting to bring it back to the surface. There are people who depend on you, Collins. She may not know you, see you, or recognize you as her daughter, but she still depends on you.
My nerves assist in the war. Every nerve pulls in the opposite direction like it’s trying to separate from the muscles. Creating the sensation of life. And even with all the current pain I’m feeling, I truly believe Victor when he says he made a mistake. Unfortunately, the fact is we are where we are because they brought him in from the concrete jungle to take over. Although I believe he doesn’t want to take away this place that represents my childhood. However, he has taken over me.
A small change of being someone I looked forward to seeing at the end of the day, the random surprise pop-ins at the shop. The way he allowed me to continue to work and still stay close. He just inserted himself into whatever I was doing and never asked me to change. Seeing my mom and engaging in useless conversation because it means that much to me.
He put me first, but not in his way. He fell into my routine.
As a tear falls down my cheek, I feel someone tug the baseball bat from my hands. I turn to see a battered Lawson with a somber look in his eyes.
“Let’s go surfing,” he whispers.
I allow him to take my weapon from my hands and silently follow him to his truck. He stops at mine and grabs my longboard, placing it in the back of his truck.
“Are you calling Massey?” I ask absent-minded.
Lawson shakes his head. A small smile forms on his face. “I told her I’m spending the day with you. It’s just you and me, sis. You need this today. As weird as it may feel, I think we both need this. I’ll call her if you become too emotional, and I can’t handle it.”
While he may be joking, I genuinely take his last comment seriously. I’ve never been this broken up over a single person.
“Deal.” My voice is somber and weak. The fight throughout my life is becoming too much.
Lawson drives us to a secluded spot. I’ve never been here before. He jumps out of the truck like he knows where to go, so I can only assume this is one of his secret spots. I follow along and watch in wonder of my brother. Lawson is the type of person who needs constant contact and attention, so I wonder how I never knew about this place. There is an ease to Lawson today. It eases the tension in my heart a fraction.
We grab our boards and hike through the dense woods to a small beach. Palm trees lean over the beach, offering a shaded, peaceful setting. We drop our boards and sit next to each other in the sand, prepping our boards. I gaze out into the ocean, confused as to why he brought us here to surf.
“There is no surf, Law. Like no overhead,” I say. “How are we supposed to surf?”
“I know. Do you trust me?” He mumbles.
I look at him and fake an offensive gasp. He gently pushes at my shoulders, huffing a belly laugh.
“Okay, just trust me in this today,” He pleads.
My brother implored me to have faith in him. I nod, and together we walk to the water’s edge. I am on the verge of taking the next step as he interlocks his pinky with mine.
“This is you and this is me, little sister. Be here at this moment with me. This is the sand, salt, and water that are all so different but work in perfect harmony. You, me, and Leland. Leland is the sand, I’m the water, and you are already salty, so you are the salt.”
“You…”
“No insults to be spit back, salty.” Lawson cuts me off.
I purse my lips with a smile. Lawson tugs my elbow and we rush into the calm surf. Paddling out and we stop just over the reef where the water is tame and quiet. I watch my brother pull his legs up on his board.
“Lie back.” He gestures for me to copy him.
I do as he says as we lie head to toe, holding on to each other’s board. Not a single cloud covers the sky. My arm drapes over my eyes to shield from the blaring sun. For long moments, we don’t speak a single word. We are immersed in mother nature as she hums a lullaby.
