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I nod in understanding. “What do I do now?”
“I have no clue, Collins. You handle things so much better than me. I don’t know what changed to go from hating that man to spending every spare second with him.”
“Me either. He was just there all the time. Then it morphed to where I couldn’t wait to see him. He’s nothing like I’ve dated before. I like that.”
“Yeah, looking at it on paper, you both as a couple make no sense. But seeing it in person explains a lot. Opposites.”
“He said I need to figure my feelings out for myself. As soon as I did, we had that bomb dropped.”
“And you almost destroyed your girl for it?”
“Honest?”
“Lay it on me.” Lawson holds his arms up, ready for this rant.
“She was complete. Every part, every piece, every bit of her was complete. However, I was back at square one, a hollow frame,” I explain, hoping he understands what I am saying. “I feel like I’m dying on the inside. This feeling of being alive is completely new to me. I understand the feeling of going through the motions without truly living. Victor and I did so much here, and we had so much fun together. Lawson, he was asking me to ask him to stay.”
“I get it. What do you want, Collins?”
“Leland asked me that.” I look back at the shore.
“I’m sure you gave him some bullshit answer. Tell me the raw truth.”
“I want the husband who has the financial and law magazines neatly placed on the side bed table. He needs the bed to be made every morning. Like clean and tight sheets. His fancy and expensive pajamas neatly folded on the edge of the bed, waiting to be worn. I want to laugh like there is not a worry in the world. I want to have someone to make plans with, not someone who passes the time. Lawson, I want Victor,” I admit. “I want to work on cars and make surfboards. I want to learn to cook and bake like an American housewife. I don’t know, I want it all!”
“So… Have it all, Collins! Don’t be like me and dwell on what’s not there and live! You know how it feels, so don’t give up that easily. You are not someone who waits for a pity party. Don’t be like me three years ago and destroy the good parts of life because you are upset.”
Lawson is staring at me intently and truth floods his eyes.
“Wow, Lawson. Great speech.”
“I know,” he says smugly. “Now, we have forty-five minutes before Massey is expecting your call. Be quiet, we are meditating,” he demands. “Ok, I need this, so no making fun, no quick comebacks.”
I lay back on my board and, just as requested, spent forty-five minutes quiet. True to form as soon as we get back to Lawson’s truck, my phone lights up with a call from Massey.
“Hey!” Massey says tentatively.
“Hi.” I can only manage so much.
“Are you ok?”
“No, but I will be. I need to talk to Victor.” This is the most confident I’ve felt.
“He’s back in New York,” she says.
Like a punch in the gut, I can feel my heart peeling away, layer by layer. He left.
“What?”
“He left, but…”
“He left?” I repeat.
“Yeah, but …”
“I have to go.” I just hang up the phone. My earlier confidence has halted as my heart seizes in my chest. He left me behind. Was I wrong this whole time?
“Did you talk to her?” Lawson asks as he climbs into the truck.
