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“No! Let me go. What’s going on?” Trying to shrug myself from their grip, I am screaming and crying. Fighting to get by them.
Strong arms pull me away from them and engulf me. I realize I am sandwiched between enormous arms. My arms fling about, trying to free myself.
“Collins…”
Leland looks at me with a somber look, while Lawson's cheeks are covered in wetness. The realization hits all of us.
The doctor ushers us to a separate room designated for families and explains what happened. She stood up to walk with the nurse for dinner when she had a seizure and fell, hitting her head on the edge of the bedpost. Between the seizure and the impact of the post, they couldn’t get her back. I just sit there in silence and just watch everyone talking. Their lips are moving with heartfelt apologies, but it does nothing to settle my broken heart. Tears fall and my body begs to scream, sob, anything really, but I can’t produce a sound if I try. Words have no meaning.
Movement in the corner of the room draws my attention. Victor stands watching me. I don’t know how long he has been there, but he’s here. I stand and push my way through the small crowd around us. His arms stretch out toward me and pull me into his embrace.
He is holding me and rocking back and forth until I’m ready to pull away.
“They are going to take us to her so we can say goodbye. Then they are going to go forward with what Mom has placed in her will.” Leland takes the lead.
Grasping Victor’s hand, interlocking our fingers together, I turn and face my brother, nodding. We follow him to the room and stop before crossing the threshold. Victor pulls my hand to his lips and lays a gentle kiss on the top of my hand.
“I’ll wait right here.” He releases his hold, allowing me to walk with my brothers.
We sit around our mother for the last time. Just me and my brothers. Her eyes are closed and for the first time in many years, her face doesn’t look so tense. The wrinkles around her face seem more prominent now that it is free of the daily struggles.
“I don’t know what to say, shit I never knew what to say,” Lawson expresses, taking up the seat next to the window. He leans forward and drags it across the dull tile floor, closer to her bed.
“Me either.” Leland bites his cheek, still standing at the edge of her bed.
I wish I had their strength. All my willpower throughout these years is drained from my tired body. Dropping onto the side of her bed, I take her hand in mine.
“So, my car is finally fully complete. She’s a looker mom, it’s pretty incredible. Oh, Lawson has fully moved in with Massey. She says he’s not that gross. I don’t believe her,” I say. Speaking to her like it was yesterday.
Lawson laughs a little, and he nods. “I am pretty gross.”
“Taylor is back. He’s fighting pretty hard for Leland. Did you know Leland wants to get married and have kids? Leland married with kids, right? He did a pretty good job raising us.” I lose what strength I have left. “Mom, you would be incredibly proud of these guys! They’ve done great in life.”
I raise her hand and give a kiss on the top of her hand. Holding on to it tighter today. Her skin is soft against my lips. The warmth is fading with each passing minute as we sit in complete silence.
The funeral home arrives to take her away. They roll her out of the room and we still stand there one last time. Leland grasps both Lawson and me as he drags us into a hug. No words need to be said, nothing more needs to be done at the moment. My eyes trace around the room with the oil paintings that hang on the wall, the small fake flowers by the window frame. An illusion of home.
The nurse comes in with cardboard boxes and bags for us to pack up her room. I look around and see her favorite gold necklace on the side table. I reach out and pick it up.
“This is all I want. Leland and Lawson, pick one thing and donate everything else. Either to the next patient or someone from the community that needs it.” I rush out of the room, clasping the necklace around my neck.
As I turn the corner exiting the room, Victor is still here, patiently waiting. When he sees me, he takes my hand and my keys. Without another word, he guides me out of the building for the last time. My feet feel like lead weights, dragging me along. He situates me in the passenger seat before slowly driving away. I look in the side mirror and watch the sign disappear the further away we drive. Leaving it in the past as a memory of once was normalcy. He drives us to Massey’s and my spot. By the time we arrive, it’s almost dusk. Leland, Lawson, Massey, and Taylor greet us.
Victor pulls our boards from the bed of my truck, and together, as a family, head for the water. I am standing at the edge of the water, so focused on the incoming waves. White foam touches the surface as if it’s bidding for me to join. Boards clap against the surface of the water, pulling my attention. I realize we are tagging up on boards. I climb on the front of my longboard as Victor lays behind me. We paddle out just beyond the reef and stop. We sit, couple by couple, in the calm surf. The rowdy current settles. It’s as if the ocean feels my pain and gives me the soothing waves.
Victor draws my body to him and my back lays against his chest, allowing me to pull my legs up toward my chest. He is stroking his hands up and down my arms, lulling me into comfort. And it finally hits me she is gone.
“AAAHHH!” I scream into the endless ocean.
Victor wraps his arms around me fully, hugging me tight as I release all the sadness left over. Leland and Lawson were on either side of me, reaching out and grabbing onto my leg or hand. Shedding tears, crying with me.
“We lost her a long time ago,” Leland says. “Collins, she never came back after the accident.”
“I know it hurts!” Lawson adds.
“So much. It’s not fair!” I scream louder. My throat scorches from the strain.
“I know, sis, it’s not fair.” Leland squeezes my hand.
