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The days go by slowly, leaving me with more questions than answers. The only thing I have to look forward to are Court’s regular visits when she updates me on all the current news. Carson is supposedly a wreck since Landon left, and he’s been missing a lot of school. And Audrey has taken over as captain of the dance squad, gleefully, from what I hear. During my absence, Jared has returned to school but not the football team. Apparently, his parents are being real assholes about everything. But on his eighteenth birthday, he left the wilderness program voluntarily, and now he’s couch-surfing at some of his friends’ places while he finishes senior year. The thought makes me sick with guilt, and I know I need to make amends somehow. What he said hurt me, but it didn’t give me the right to upend his entire life.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even blame him at this point if he was the one who bashed my ankle in. My list of enemies has never been longer, and I’m exhausted just thinking about the possibilities.
I won’t be able to dance again this year. The doctors aren’t confident that my ankle won’t cause me problems for the rest of my life. Theo, being Theo, hired the best of the best. I’ve seen specialists that take years and connections to get appointments with. But they all say the same thing. Only time will tell.
My bones are mending slowly, but some things never will. Whoever said time heals all wounds obviously never met Landon Blackwood. After I heard him and Audrey together and cried about a million tears, I tried to patch up my armor and fortify my heart. But try as I might, I could no longer find even an ounce of hatred for him anymore. Now there’s just pain. So much pain.
In another life, maybe we could have worked things out. If there was no party that summer night, and there weren’t any misunderstandings or miscommunications between us. But this is the lifetime that fate decided to throw us together. Lightning and gun powder. It was never meant to be. The truth is, loving him is like lighting yourself on fire and hoping you don’t burn to death. Because Landon and I can’t love each other without destroying each other too.
He can’t see past his wounds to believe anything I say. And now, I can’t see past what he did with Audrey. What we had was special. I know he felt it too. But he went to her and washed it all away. I can’t forget that final cut, and I can’t forgive.
I’ve tried to imagine myself, ten years from now, living my life with a different man. We’d be happy, somehow. Maybe have a couple of kids, maybe not. But in that image, the love never feels as profound. Instead of a bonfire, it’s a flickering candle. Second best. Anyone else will always be second best. And I think maybe it would just be better if I’m alone forever.
Hot tears prick at my eyes, and my mom gives me a gentle pat on the arm, uncertain how to address the turmoil inside my head.
“It’s okay, honey,” she assures me. “We’ll find out who did this.”
“It’s not that—” My voice breaks, and try as I might, I can’t allow another lie to spill from my lips. I can’t tell her I’m okay when I’m not. “I think I’m ready to talk.”
Worry creeps into her eyes. “What is it, Kail? You know you can tell me anything.”
My hands knot together in my lap. “I think I really screwed things up.”
“There’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” she says softly. “Let’s talk it through.”
“You asked me if that night at Landon’s party was the reason I went back to Hawaii.”
Her body turns to stone beside me. I’m not even sure she’s breathing or blinking anymore. She’s been waiting so long for me to open up about this. Her hands begin to tremble, and I know she’s scared about what I might tell her. I’m scared too. She might not ever look at me the same way again, but I can’t keep it inside me anymore. It’s been eating me up, and I have to let it out. I have to tell the truth, so I can finally be free.
“That night I went to the party, I couldn’t remember what happened,” I admit. “I drank, and we played this stupid game, and I kissed Landon.”
I tell her the rest in broken fragments. About waking up confused. The markers. The clothes. Everything. My emotions break free, and my mother envelops me in her shuddering arms. She’s crying too. I can feel the moisture on her face. I’m scared she’s going to be so ashamed, but I can’t stop now. I just need to get the poison out.
