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CHAPTER 15Palmer
“Try choking down on the shaft.”Palmer: You still up?
Birdie: Who is this?
Palmer: FFS, Birdie.
Birdie: Ahhh, okay. The other Dickhole Assfuck Piece of Shit Loser in my phone calls me Robert. What can I do for you, Campbell?
Palmer: You’re exhausting sometimes.
Birdie: It’s after 11. Stop texting me and go to bed then. We have another fun-filled day tomorrow of vomit and people making poor life choices while attempting to golf.
Palmer: I just wanted to say thank you for leaving me alone to have dinner this evening at Tess’s place with her and Bodhi. I’ll be having nightmares forever now.
Birdie: Sorry, you know I had to drop off Owen at a sleepover at his friend’s house on the mainland for Wren. Also, you’ve been to Tess’s house before, and you’ve seen the skull in the middle of her kitchen counter that may or may not be human from that time she dated a guy at Virginia State who majored in Forensic Anthropology. She promised never to leave it on your pillow again while you’re sleeping, and Tess always keeps her promises, you big baby.
Palmer: Not talking about the skull with creepy, empty eye sockets that follow you around the room wherever you go, but thanks for reminding me about the time I wet the bed as an adult.
Birdie: You’re welcome. Hey, are you okay after today?
Palmer: You mean after witnessing a grown man curl up in the fetal position in a pile of his own vomit and cry on the driving range? Wasn’t the first time, won’t be the last time. Bodhi knew his free hot dog limit, and he far exceeded it.
Birdie: No, but thanks. Now I’LL be having nightmares forever. I meant about The Briar Open. You would have kicked ass at that tournament. They suck for not letting you compete. I’m sorry you didn’t get to and instead had to work a stupid golf outing.
Palmer: It’s fine. I loved every minute of working that outing today, and you know it. I didn’t even realize Briar was today until one of the guys said who won, when Bodhi and I were leaving for Tess’s house. Brock golfed a clean game from what I heard. He deserved the win.
Birdie: No, he didn’t. Shut up. Are you forgetting who you’re talking to? You don’t have to be diplomatic with me. He’s an arrogant asshole who only tips his caddies 1% of his purse winnings instead of the traditional five to ten, puts you down every time he’s interviewed when you’ve never said a bad word about him, and has a higher handicap than you by 4, which is pathetic. You should have been there, and you would have kicked his ass.
Palmer: Are you… sticking up for me? Oh God. Is this it? Is this the end of the world? I’m not ready! There’s so much I haven’t done yet! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
Birdie: All right, that’s enough. Did you only text me at this hour to annoy me?
Palmer: Oh, that’s right! My initial reason for this conversation. You’re very distracting. I was texting you to thank you about leaving me alone with Tess and Bodhi, and not because of the demon skull that wants my soul. I was actually referring to all the PDA I had to witness while dinner was being prepared, during dinner, and the five minutes after dinner it took me to find my golf cart keys. The good news is I didn’t have to pay for porn tonight.
Birdie: You do know porn is widely available for free on the internet, right? No wonder you have no money and had to get a job at SIG. LOLOLOLOLOL!
Palmer: Watch a lot of free porn, do ya? Is that the real reason you and Backpack Brad didn’t work out? You do know they have addiction centers for that, right? LOLOLOLOLOL!
Birdie: I’m going to sleep now.
Palmer: One more thing. Bodhi and Tess want to know if we want to go with them and a few other people to Hang Five tomorrow night after work. I think she said Wren and Owen are going and can give you a ride. You in?
Birdie: I could possibly be persuaded to kick your ass in a few rounds of Skee-Ball. Are you even allowed back in the arcade? I think there’s still a Skee-Ball embedded in the ceiling tiles from the last time you were there.
Palmer: Ha ha, you’re hilarious. And it was a storage closet door, and I ordered Ralph a new door before I even left the island that time. It’s fine. Sweet dreams, sweet cheeks.
Palmer: 1-800-IHEARTPORN is the addiction center number, FYI.Coming to an arcade with all the lights, bells, sirens, whistles, and tokens clinking and clanking as they tumble out of machines maybe wasn’t the best idea after a second full day of drunk mayhem at the school golf outing and the second round of all the tournaments. But glancing around the brick room with archways leading into other game areas, adults and kids crowded around pinball machines, air hockey tables, old-school arcade games like Donkey Kong and Pac-Man, and coin-pusher games, cheering each other on and laughing, racing around the room to other games, surprisingly I forget about my headache. I remember a hundred different nights just like this, being here and having fun with the woman sitting next to me at the table, the two of us popping in here just to cool off and play a few games while we wandered around town, grabbing her hand and dragging her to the pool tables, because it’s the only game I could ever beat her at, and I still can’t believe I’m actually here with her again.
