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Wren Bennett: I know. My sister printed it and hung it up in her office at the golf course.
Official Shepherd Oliver: By “my sister,” you mean you, right?
Wren Bennett: Gotta go, late for work!
Official Shepherd Oliver: I feel so betrayed! Make it up to me by watching me play tonight. Home game against the Longhorns, prime time on channel 3.
Wren Bennett: Maybe. We’ll see how early I get home from work. Don’t think I’ve ever seen one of your games. Sorry!
Official Shepherd Oliver: GASP! I feel more betrayed right now than when April Miller dumped me two days before senior prom.
Wren Bennett: OMG I forgot about that! It was the first time in Summersweet High School history the prom king didn’t have a date. If it makes you feel any better, April Miller is kind of a ho now. Gina at Starboard Sweets told me April went to a bachelorette party in Vegas last month and came home with herpes from a bartender she hooked up with at the Chippendales show, and now she can’t get a date to save her life.
Official Shepherd Oliver: So the rumors are true—Herpes really IS the gift that keeps on giving. This news pleases me. Your betrayal has been forgiven.Official Shepherd Oliver: Nice comeback for a win against the Rangers last night! Tell Owen to turn his hips more when he’s swinging. His hips need to get in front of his shoulders before he plants his back foot. He’s a little guy like I was at that age. Getting his hips going will help him drive that ball just as far as guys bigger and stronger than him.
Wren Bennett: You know I didn’t start talking to you again just to use you for your baseball knowledge. But thank you!
Official Shepherd Oliver: Oh, I know. It’s definitely because of my sparkling personality and how great I look in a pair of baseball pants. Also, I told you two weeks ago what you could do for me as payback for my brilliance. Would you look at that? My inbox is still void of the video I requested.
Wren Bennett: You know what you asked for is weird, right? And if you came home to visit Summersweet Island every once in a while, you wouldn’t need a video, and you could experience what you desire live and in person.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I still can’t believe I haven’t made it back to the island since I left. What’s it been, like thirteen years? It’s just hard with my schedule and now that my parents live over on the mainland closer to my sisters and their families. And since my parents are retired and have become travelholics, they always want to fly out to wherever I am to visit. I know. I suck.
Wren Bennett: You DO suck. You’re such an awful human being for buying your parents a gorgeous new home in Norfolk so they can use their cottage here on the island as a vacation home and making it so they never have to work again, as well as setting up the Little Cleats Foundation, a charity that donates over 5,000 little league uniforms to teams that can’t afford them every year. I’m kind of disgusted I’m even talking to you right now. *puking emoji*
Official Shepherd Oliver: I don’t remember you being such a shit-talker in high school.
Wren Bennett: I’ve seen some shit, so I talk some shit.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Keep it up. It looks good on you, Bennett. Also, send me the video I requested and know you recorded. SEND IT!
Wren Bennett: OMG…
Wren Bennett: *video attachment* And no, I did NOT set it to porn music, you weird perv.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Seriously? You couldn’t even record this in slow motion for me? You, dipping your hand into a container of salt water taffy from Chew on This while letting the delicious wax-paper-wrapped nuggets of heaven drop from your palm at normal speed is just pointless and awful cinematography.
Wren Bennett: Were you hit in the head by a pitch recently?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Shhh… I’m on the 13th viewing of this video. I can aaalmost taste them. I fucking miss that salt water taffy, man. Send me another video next time you’re there. And for the love of the salt water taffy gods, RECORD IT IN SLOW MOTION. Do a closeup of you unwrapping a piece too. Slooowly.
Wren Bennett: I’m blocking you.Official Shepherd Oliver: Hey, you still up? I have a really important question.
Wren Bennett: Who is this?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Seriously? I’m messaging you from my official Instagram account like always. My name and picture are literally right there in front of you.
Wren Bennett: You could be a troll impersonating the famous pro baseball player, Shepherd Oliver, who I went to high school with. So many crazies in the world these days. Elvis followed me on Twitter yesterday. Apparently, he’s alive and well in Tucson and has 136 followers. You’re going to need to do something to prove to me you’re really who you say you are before I can continue this conversation. Tell me something only the real Shepherd Oliver would know.
