AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Official Shepherd Oliver: Also, what was the deal with your sister’s vague post the other night that just said “He’s a putz” over and over?
Wren Bennett: That’s a new nickname we gave her former friend Palmer.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Catchy. I like it. Do go on.
Wren Bennett: Nothing much more to tell. He won a major golf tournament, and she drunk-Facebooked before we could stop her. That’s why I still haven’t told her you and I have been talking all this time. She’s so sad and in a funk most days, and I don’t want to vomit my happiness all over her when she’s so upset.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Being my pen pal makes you happy, does it? Do you see butterflies and rainbows when you get a new message from me? I’m particular to sparkly unicorns (see Lisa Frank). I have it in writing now, so you can’t take it back.
Wren Bennett: No, but I can definitely take back the package I dropped off at the post office this morning.
Official Shepherd Oliver: OMGOMGOMG did you send me more salt water taffy??? I ate my last piece from the last package you sent at practice a week ago, and I wept in the goddamn batting cages. WEPT, Wren. It wasn’t pretty.
Wren Bennett: I know. You’ve sent me 32 messages since you ate your last piece, telling me you ate your last piece.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Aren’t you glad I commented on a video you posted of your son’s first time at bat from his game almost a year ago? Which led to us becoming the best pen pals ever, and now I’m always stocked on Summersweet Island salt water taffy, and your awesome kid is well on his way to playing in the major leagues.
Wren Bennett: Slow your roll; he JUST turned thirteen. But yes, I am glad for your sage advice, especially since he’s playing middle field now.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Christ, Wren, it’s CENTER FIELD. You know, the same position I famously play and kick major fucking ass at? ESPN only named me one of the top five center fielders the last seven years in a row.
Wren Bennett: I only know you’re a famous baseball player because you won’t shut up about it. You know I only watch the sport when my son is playing.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I swear to God my soul literally leaves my body every time you type those words.
Wren Bennett: Can I go to sleep now, or have you kept me up this late just to annoy me?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Oh, shit! How could I forget the awesome and kick-ass thing I needed to tell you before I yelled at you for MAKING ME VERY, VERY ANGRY? Can’t forget my main reason for messaging you and bringing HAPPINESS AND JOY AND UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS AND LISA FRANK INTO YOUR LIFE!!!!
Wren Bennett: I’m blocking you.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Oh, God, don’t do that. Then there’ll be TWO Bennett sisters rage posting on social media about their former friends. The world can only take so much before it implodes. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for kicking my ass and telling me to do what I wanted with my contract negotiations instead of listening to other people. I didn’t need a fucking pay raise; I needed job security. I’m happy to say the no-trade clause will remain in effect until the end of my contract, and the percentage they were going to give me in more pay will now be going to the Little Cleats Foundation, like I originally wanted.
Wren Bennett: Congratulations! I told you they would give you whatever you asked for. Never doubt me again, Shepherd Oliver.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Dear Diary: My pen pal is super cool and smart! Maybe someday she’ll get a soul and watch one of my games on TV and actually start liking the sport of baseball.
Wren Bennett: Don’t hold your breath. #soboring #likewatchingpaintdry #idratherdomytaxes
Official Shepherd Oliver: *Shepherd Oliver has reported you for offensive behavior*
Official Shepherd Oliver: *Shepherd Oliver has BLOCKED YOUR ASS*
Wren Bennett: Nice try. You can’t get rid of your pen pal that easily. I know where you live, and I know your favorite taffy flavor. #itsvanilla #becauseyabasicWren Bennett: Hey, you okay? Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Gabriela Rojas stopped by the Dip and Twist last night. We were talking about that senior prank you guys organized where you filled the hallways with thousands and thousands of rubber ducks. Remember that?! Students and teachers still find a random rubber duck hidden around the school every once in a while. That will never stop being funny.Wren Bennett: Hello?? Is this thing on?? Owen hit a grand slam last night. Did you see the video?!! I don’t think I’ll ever stop smiling!!!! Where are yooouuu?!!!“Hawks fans are still in shock after center fielder, Shepherd Oliver, sustained a season-ending injury last night in the 5th inning of the playoffs against Chicago. He’ll undergo surgery today, but it’s unclear at this time if this will be a career-ending injury.”
