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As I open up the text as we walk, Shepherd drops his arm from around my shoulders to fish his golf cart keys out of his pocket, and I quickly skim the text. And then read it again. And one more time just to make sure I’m not seeing things, my heart hasn’t started thundering in my chest like a heard of elephants, and my hands haven’t gotten sweaty and shaky for no reason. The third time does the charm, and the words my son sent to me finally register, and all of that happy, post-orgasmic glow and love lighting me up instantly goes dark like someone flipped a switch.
My feet come to a stop in the grass as everything I ate at the festival today starts churning in my stomach, making me want to throw up. Shepherd keeps walking a few steps before he realizes I stopped, the smile on his face when he looks back at me immediately dropping.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Is it Owen?” he quickly asks when he rushes back to me and takes the phone out of my hand when he sees the look on my face.
Although I don’t know what he’s even seeing when he looks at me, because I don’t even know what the hell I’m feeling right now. Sad? Mad? Hurt? Shock? All the above? I study Shepherd’s face as he reads what Owen sent me, hoping maybe it’s a joke, something the two of them cooked up just to freak me out. But I watch the calmness settle over Shepherd when he realizes Owen isn’t hurt, and I watch the smile light up his face when he looks up from reading the text, and it feels like someone just stabbed a knife into my chest.
“Seriously, that kid is so impatient. Well, surprise! Isn’t it great?”
I hear myself make some sort of sound like a choked whimper when I realize it’s not a joke, and it suddenly feels like someone shoved me off a cliff and I’m falling, falling, falling….
Shepherd laughs softly, probably thinking I’m so overjoyed at what he’s done I can’t find words, and pain ricochets through my body like I just slammed into the ground.
Except it’s the pain of knowing who pushed me that hurts the worst.
“You set up a meeting with a college baseball scout for my son tonight and didn’t tell me?” I ask with a shaky whisper while it takes everything in me not to throw up when I say those words out loud. I hate that my voice sounds small and weak, and I would give anything for my eyes not to be filling with tears right now so I could at least look strong, even though I don’t feel it.
Shepherd just shrugs with that easy smile on his face, like it’s no big deal my son sent me a four paragraph text gushing about how Shepherd set up a FaceTime call with the scout tonight, and how Shepherd sent him Owen’s stats and he’s impressed, and how he’s going to come out and catch one of his games soon, and how it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and how Shepherd even hired a retired professional baseball player from the Virginia Rebels to start giving him private batting lessons.
“Isn’t it awesome?” Shepherd asks happily, oblivious to me standing here in front of him feeling like my insides are being ripped out of me. “It’s an amazing opportunity Owen would never have otherwise.”
And there it is.
He would never have it otherwise, because I could never give him something like this. I can’t just flash my black AmEx and get whatever I want for my son. I have to work my ass off and miss out on so much of his life just to give him the things I can, and God, that’s never hurt more than it does right now. All of those sacrifices I made, thinking I was making my son happy, and it will never be good enough. It will never be enough when someone else can so easily give him so much more.
It was sweet and romantic when Shepherd did it for me, and all the other times he pulled strings and did something insane and over the top for me. But it’s not sweet and it’s not funny when he does it for my son without even asking. When he sets up a meeting I could never set up, and pays for a professional coach I could never afford, and makes plans for my son’s future without even consulting me. I have always had control over every decision that’s made regarding Owen, and it’s the only thing I have ever had control over in my life, and now it’s just being ripped away from me, because no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
