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Maybe I'm just tired and seeing things. What the fuck do I know about what Kyra's thinking or feeling?
"OK, it's not," I say, trying a jokey tone.
An exasperated chuckle. "You don't understand."
"Nope." I pull up to the Starbucks and park back next to her car. Turn off the car. Turn to her, and take both her hands in mine. "But I'm willing to wait on you, Kyra. Give you a chance - if you will for me."
Too long passes after my statement. Happiness mingles with the sadness in those beautiful brown eyes of hers.
Chapter 14
Kyra
I lean in to give him a light kiss on the lips, although inside I'm already pulling away. Have to.
"Thank you, Landon," I say.
"Goodbye," I say.
Before he can respond, before I cave and look at him, I walk out, away.
I drive off.
Jesus, that was close. Too close.
Close to what, though?
It seems like all I'm doing lately is driving and trying not to think of my problems. Problem, rather.
Mainly: How can I keep seeing Landon, when it's impossible?
Goldtree could fire me just from the rumor. And then there's Madison. Plus, how Landon never really explained that break-up.
My windshield's blurred. It's started to rain, a haphazard spit.
I turn on the windshield wipers. Stopped at a red, I watch them - back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
Like me on the whole Landon issue: stay away, bounce back, stay away, bounce back.
How did I let things get this far?
The question hangs until I pick up Madison. Her happy face and purple tutu fill the car as she bounces in. "Mom, when you see our recital you are going to flip!"
I grin at her. "I'm sure, honey."
We're sitting at another red, when, out of nowhere, she says, "Mom, what happened to Dad?"
"What?"
Madison's smile is guilty. "Sorry, I just... you never talk about him."
"You know I don't like to."
"Yeah, but... was he nice?"
"Yeah, he was. But he's gone now, and he's not coming back. I'm sorry."
Recycled comments for a long untouched topic. But it's all I've got.
"Do you... think he'd like me?" Maddy asks tentatively. "If he met me, I mean?"
I take one sad look at her. "Honey, I'm sure of it."
That night, we watch a few episodes of Pinky and the Brain, make glittery paper crowns.
I sit on the couch while she's brushing her teeth, staring into the electric fireplace and its blue-tinged flames.
This needs to stop. Either I tell Landon about Madison or...
There is no 'or'. I have to tell him.
And one day, maybe, I can tell Madison the full, terrible story about her dad. Right now, it's too much for a nine-year-old to swallow. Soon, though.
After I've tucked Madison into bed, she snuggles up to her donut unicorn stuffy, a sleepy smile on her face. "Love you, Mom."
"Love you, Maddy."
Those little upturned lashes, slightly plump rosy cheeks. My little girl. My daughter.
How could I have ever kept her a secret - the best part of me?
There's no answer that brings anything other than guilt, so I leave the room. Now's as good a time as any to finally call Pamela back.
"Hello stranger," she says. "Remember me? Your best friend?"
"I'm sorry," I say. "I've just been busy. Was back at court today."
"Come on, I'm not an idiot," she says gaily. "You've been seeing him."
I sigh. "Guilty as charged. Maybe not for much longer, though."
"What do you mean?"
"It's just messing with my head! And I still haven't told him about Madison."
Silence.
"Pompom?"
"It's just... I get it. It's a big deal. A hugely big deal."
"I keep feeling like I'm lying to him, not telling him. And like I'm betraying Maddy too. What kind of mother keeps her child a secret?"
"The kind who's trying to protect them," she says firmly. "Honestly Ky, don't beat yourself up about it."
"But I do need to tell him."
"Yeah. You do."
"I just keep thinking... this probably can't work anyway, with the case, and how he hurt me before. I don't know, it seems like it'd be easier to just end things without telling him."
"Easier or less scary?"
"Both. I can't afford to mess up my job. And if I tell him about Maddy..."
"But there must be something holding you to him," Pamela says. "You wouldn't have given him a second chance for nothing."
"Something?" I laugh hoarsely. "How about ten somethings? How persistent he's been, how considerate. The dates he's taken me on - yeah, last night we went to the Baccarat Hotel, penthouse suite with a private Jacuzzi... and then, of course, all the parts of him I fell in love with last time. Jesus, sometimes it's like the past years haven't even happened."
"But they did."
"Yeah," I say, "They did. And I can't stop thinking: if he dumped me once, with no real explanation or reason, what's to stop him from doing it again?"
"Have you asked him?" Pamela says. "I mean, really told him how much it has been bugging you, not knowing?"
