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I chuckle, putting it on his head. "You don't look so bad yourself."
Landon snorts, trying - and failing - to mash it onto his head. "Head's too big."
"Head's just right," I reply.
A smile that melts me as he places the hat back on my head. "If you say so..."
He steals a kiss. Then another. My arms slide around him, into his jean pockets. We're in the middle of a fair, and I feel at home.
Tell him. Tell him now.
I sigh. I should tell him - of course I should. But not right now. Not yet. Soon.
"Which ride first?" Landon asks, hand entwining mine.
"Whatever's closest?" I look around, but all I see nearby are more fair games.
"Any must-do's?" Landon asks.
"Ferris wheel, definitely. You?"
"I think I see the swings nearby. You game?" He squeezes my hand.
I squeeze his hand. "I'm game."
Before we get there, Landon insists on getting us some corn dogs. And ice cream. And a t-shirt with our faces on it. When he's about to get waylaid by a photo booth, I stop him.
"We're never going to get on any rides at this rate."
Landon rakes a hand through his light brown hair, his generous lips in a pout. "Shit. Got sidetracked. Sorry."
"Don't apologize" - I tug him towards the swings - "just take me on a ride."
Minutes later, we're on it, side by side, our held hands breaking free. The wind whips at us softly, and I have to hold my hat in my lap to keep it from blowing away. I look over to see Landon trying not to grin.
"What? I ask.
"Nolan always said swings are for wusses," he admits, a bit ruefully.
"Screw Nolan."
He laughs. "Screw him."
"This is fun," I say.
"This is what it feels like being with you."
And I just look at him and laugh and smile because it's true.
It occurs to me then, high up in the air, as the odd waft of popcorn and cotton candy and Landon's tempting scent hits me, that I'm happy. Stupidly so.
Even with what's coming, what I have to do, at least there's now. At least there's us.
Next is the merry-go-round. We try getting on the same horse, but the ride employee isn't having it, so we settle on two horses side by side. Mine has a whipping pink mane and frenzied eyes, while his aquamarine one looks like it's enjoying a nice bubble bath.
The peppy waltz begins and our horses start bobbing up and down, on different tracks.
"Tell me about the time Emerson got kicked off," I tell him. "Why was he so scared?"
"Nolan told him the horses were possessed and that, every year, they killed one kid that they didn't like to take his cotton candy. Emerson gave him his cotton candy, but he was still freaked. Greyson and I tried reassuring him, but it didn't work."
I laugh. "So, Nolan was always a dick, basically?"
"In some ways." His mouth quirks. "But he is my twin. Besides, I haven't always been great myself."
"That's one way of putting it."
"Listen," he says, "I am sorry. For everything I put you through."
"It's OK," I say.
Luckily, the ride has stopped, so I have an excuse to get off my horse and away. Because really, I'm not sure I want to admit the next part to him: that I appreciate him apologizing, but that doesn't mean I can fully trust him. I'm not sure I can afford to, after what he pulled all those years ago.
Plus, there's that persistent voice in my head: Tell him.
And my ducking, not-good-enough answer: Not now. Not yet.
As we leave the ride by the exit gate, the ride employee scows at us from her phone. There are virtually no other riders, and we clearly interrupted whatever game she's been playing. Unperturbed, Landon says, "Let's go horseback riding sometime."
"But I thought - "
"Yeah, still not a big horse guy. That whole horse-kicked-me-when-I-was-five thing. I don't know. Maybe it's worth a shot. It sure looked fun back when you boarded... what was her name?"
"Spirit," I remind him with a half-smile, "After the movie."
"Oh yeah, I remember now. God, you loved that horse. What happened to her?"
"Life happened. I got my degree, my job. Got busy."
And had a kid - tell him!
Not yet.
If you keep putting it off...
"Anything up?" he asks, "You seem a bit..."
That's your cue.
"I haven't been sleeping great lately."
That's true, at least. Late at night is when my mind likes to run through the unsolvable dilemmas of my life - mainly the whole 'Landon but work' thing.
His arms wrap around me, press me to him. "Maybe you need some company."
God, what those arms do to me...
I sink into them, let my eyes close. Let myself imagine that everything really is how it feels - safe, perfect.
Tell him.
"Next ride?" I ask, pulling free.
"If you say so."
On the way, he gets us the biggest cotton candy I've ever seen.
