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“I just want to leave one good thing behind.” My hand strokes my rounded belly again and she kicks me, comfortable and happy in her cozy little bubble.
“Have you written to Nokosi? Have you replied to any of his letters?”
“Not yet, it’s better that he doesn’t know. Not until it’s too late.”
“You don’t think he should get a say?”
I allow myself to think of Nokosi for a fleeting moment and of how it’ll hurt him if I even consider telling him about the pregnancy, just for me to die before the baby is viable. Not to mention the fact that we have to be extremely careful. I have control of Willow for now, but I dread to think what she might do if she knows we’re pregnant. She’s unstable now more than ever.
Or I am…
I shake my head. “I can’t risk him talking about it. We should stop talking about it.”
How I want to talk about him and to him. How badly I want to love him, hold him, return to the forest with him and catch fish and live a simple life, just us. That will never be. Not anymore. It’s impossible.
“Is she coming back?”
I nod and remove my hand from my stomach. “Like you said, she always does, and she always will.”
“What did I miss?” Willow asks, grinning and sitting on the empty seat beside me. “You look so intense. What’s going on? Damn, that doctor is a hottie. Don’t you think, Lil?”
It never fucking ends.
Nokosi
I raise the axe and bring it down, it splinters the wood into three pieces. They’re a bit dry this time of year. Great for burning. I drop the axe and wipe my face with the T-shirt I’ve hooked over the waistband of my jeans.
After taking a gulp of water, I place the bottle back on the ground and pick up the axe again, letting it stall in mid-air after chopping another block when a truck I recognize pulls down the driveway over a hundred yards away.
“Stay there,” Anetúte yells at me as he bounds out of the house. I’ve not seen him move that fast in years.
What the fuck is Shaw doing here? Lilith’s father.
Nash suddenly appears at my side and places his hand on my chest as I wipe my hands clean.
Anetúte and Shaw speak sometimes, but apart from asking him how Lilith is, we don’t personally have fuck all to do with each other. It’s not personal, I just fucking hate him for abandoning Lilith when she needed him the most.
If he hadn’t left, maybe she and Willow might not have suffered their pain so much.
I watch them talk in silence. Nash and I don’t say a word. But then Shaw starts sobbing, his head falls onto my father’s shoulder who hugs him with one arm.
My eyes burn.
Nash holds me under his arm.
She’s gone. She’s gone and she never replied to one of my fucking letters. I never got to say goodbye.
“Fucking bitch,” I hiss, gritting my teeth and turning back to the block. I put another piece on it and whack it with the axe, letting all my anger out. “I’m glad she’s dead. She can go to fucking hell.”
Nash squeezes my shoulder and I turn to him, hating that I want to hate her, but I can’t. She was the fucking light of my life. She was everything to me. She consumed me. Her kisses, her touch, her smell, her smile.
I never accepted that I would actually lose her until now.
I shove my brother away after a moment and he puts another log down for me.
THWACK.
And another.
THWACK.
And another—
There’s an ear-piercing screech from far away and Nash and I turn to watch Shaw’s truck reverse and peel out of here faster than if flaming cops were chasing him.
“Coyote?” Nash asks when the sound gets louder.
“Doesn’t sound like any coyote I ever heard.”
Dad makes his way towards us, his arms cradling something pink and fluffy. His cheeks are shiny with trails of tears and his eyes are swollen with grief and sorrow but then they hold something else… something akin to joy.
“Son,” he says to me, beckoning me closer.
“Is she dead?” I ask, crass and guarded. I don’t want to cry over her anymore. I’ve allowed myself to do so too much.
“She passed away this morning at five fifteen,” he breathes, and my chest tightens. “She passed in her sleep, gently.”
I’m never going to see her again. I’m never going to see her smile and she had the most beautiful smile. Her evil-as-sin eyes, green and fucking weird in a sexy and seductive way. Her laugh… so mischievous.
Gone. No more.
The lump in my throat gets bigger.
“She’s at peace now, son, she was in a lot of pain.”
I look down trying to compose myself.
“But…” He takes a final step towards me and holds out the pink fluffy thing. “She left us a gift. A very precious, generous, beautiful gift.”
