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“Well, I’m in the same field as Ellie, obviously,” he said. “We’re so happy to have her here. She’s an indispensable member of the team.”
She gave him a sideways look, like she might deck him if he called her Ellie one more time. I wondered if things were going badly here, if she would ditch her consortium at the first opportunity to get away from this Leo guy, and this dank underground cafeteria. I didn’t like the way that made me feel. Before I’d let her leave, I’d put her in a dungeon at my house, keep her in a cage for my amusement. It was a fun fantasy.
But this probably wasn’t the time or place to have that fantasy.
“Your boss seems like an asshole,” I said as I walked her back to her office.
“I’ve told you many times that he’s an asshole.”
“Everyone says that about their boss, but you’re right, he really is. What’s his deal? Why does he act that way toward you?”
“What way?” She said it defensively. That was the moment I realized something wasn’t right here. I pulled her to a quiet corner of the corridor and sat her next to me on an upholstered bench.
“You told me on the way over here from Pisa that you didn’t like him,” I said. “But you really don’t like him. Did something happen between the two of you? Something in your past?”
She made a face. “No. Well, yes.” She covered her eyes. “I hate to even say it. We had a…thing.”
“A thing? You had a thing with him?” Even as I said it, I realized that I’d sensed a physical history between them, which was why I’d hated him from the start. “Was he your boss then, too?” I held up my hands when she glared at me. “No judgment.”
“He wasn’t my boss. I was in college, years ago, another life.” She shook her head. “I regret it now.”
“So…you got kinky together?” As much as I hated to think about it, I wanted to know it all, especially if this “past” between them was making her unhappy.
“We got kinky for a while, yeah.” She pushed her glasses up and took a deep breath. “But it didn’t mean anything. I’d rather not talk about it.”
Bad enough that she didn’t want to talk about it? Hmm. What had they done together? How extreme had their scenes been?
“If you’re still attracted to him, you don’t have to hide it from me. I don’t care.” Total lie.
“Eww. I’m not attracted to him. I literally hate him. Seriously, don’t worry about that.”
She looked troubled, which troubled me. “What’s going on, Shorty? Is everything okay here? Is he causing problems for you?”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
She put her head in her hands with an aggrieved sound. “Don’t be nice to me, and care about my problems. Don’t make me like you more than I already do.”
“I don’t care if you like me. I care if your boss is being an asshole to you.”
“It’s complicated, okay?” She lowered her voice, looking around to be sure we were still alone in the hallway. “Our thing ended a long time ago, but almost from the start, it was shitty. I wish it had never happened. I was young and stupid, but it is what it is, you know? I was old enough to know better. Everything just…sucks.”
Her lips pressed together. I knew all her tells of distress, like how her lips pressed into a line when she was trying not to cry. “Why’d you agree to work with him if you had this bad history together?” I asked.
“Because I couldn’t say no.”
“What do you mean, you couldn’t say no? You can always say no. Even at The Gallery, there are ways to say no.”
She turned away from me. “You don’t understand. Just… Whatever. I don’t want to talk about this with you. I need to get back to work.”
“You’re not going anywhere.” I took her wrist when she stood, and manhandled her back down beside me. She was upset, and I wanted to know the reason. “Why couldn’t you say no to him?” I asked.
“He has stuff on me,” she said through her teeth.
“What stuff?”
She looked at me, then down at her hands. So sketchy. So secretive sometimes. I thought about how she shied away from face calls and sexy photos. “He has pictures of you,” I said slowly. “Pictures you don’t want him to have.”
I knew I was right by the beleaguered look on her face. “He has pictures I let him take, Devin. Like I said, I was young and stupid when we were together.”
I was so angry for a moment, so angry I couldn’t speak. She hadn’t wanted to come here to work. She’d told me that, but she’d come anyway, which had confused me. She’d gotten on a plane even though flying terrified her. “He used those pictures to get you here,” I said. “To bend you to his will.”
“He’s not bending me to anything. Those days between us are over.”
“Are they? Does he know that?”
“Shh.” She gestured for me to keep my voice down. “This is none of your business, okay? Let me deal with my own mistakes.”
“Does he still threaten you with these photos?” I persisted. “Does he sexually harass you? There are laws to protect people in your position.”
“Can we not argue about this?” Her eyes crackled, deep blue sparks behind her glasses. “I don’t want to argue about this here.”
“Where would you like to argue about it?” I shot back.
“I don’t want to argue at all. That’s not what you’re for, that’s not why I have you in my life.”
“What the fuck? I’m trying to help you.” What did she mean, that’s not why I have you in my life? What was I, her Dom-whore? Her gigolo-man? “I don’t understand why you’re giving your boss a pass on this. You could take him to court. I know lawyers—”
“I don’t want to endanger my standing in the field of astrophysics,?
?? she said, cutting me off. “I don’t want court cases and lawyers, I don’t want drama that’s going to expose everything to everyone.”
“Instead you’ll just do whatever your jerkoff boss says, yeah? Why not? You enjoy being hurt.”
As soon as I said those words, I knew the conversation was over. Her expression went cold.
“I have work to do,” she said.
“Ella—”
“No.” She stood and walked away, leaving so fast that I couldn’t grab her this time and make her stay. I was left on the bench, alone, frustrated.
Fuck, I’d wanted to help her, but maybe I’d acted like an asshole. In hindsight, I was pretty sure I’d acted like an asshole. I wished I could backtrack, and not snarl at her. You enjoy being hurt. Her masochism wasn’t a weakness or a bad habit that I should be shaming her for, especially in this situation.
As I watched, she disappeared around the corner that led to her office, into her scientific world I didn’t understand. I got out my phone and started composing a text.
Ella, I’m sorry that I…
But I stopped and deleted it. That wasn’t what I was here for, as she’d said. Apparently, I was strictly for lunch and sex dungeon scenes, not that I remembered agreeing to that. Maybe that was all I deserved, because I was an asshole, and said things like You enjoy being hurt when she was genuinely being hurt.
Ugh. Horrible. For the first time, I felt like I’d hurt her in a non-consensual way.
Chapter Nineteen: Ella
I went home after work and ate ice cream for dinner, then showered and crawled into bed in a soft cotton nightgown, trying to escape my thoughts. I didn’t understand why Devin had freaked out about Leo, why he made me feel guilty that I didn’t fight back. That hurt my feelings and made me feel small.
I knew through my research that everything was vast and temporary, and when you really thought about it, nothing existed at all. That would make anyone feel small. Somewhere in the universe, every moment, worlds were ending. Earth would end someday, turn into a frozen rock drifting through space, no rotation, no sun, no seasons, no days, no hours, no memories of people we knew. Why did we mark time, when it all came to nothing? Why did we care?
