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“Mom?”
“Hi, hon. I’m at work right now. Is everything okay?”
Kelsey cradled the phone, resting her head back against the bed. Her mother’s sweet, concerned voice was enough to bring the tears she’d fought until now. “I’m...I’m mostly okay.”
“Oh, Kelsey.”
“No, I really am. Don’t worry, mom. This is just turning out to be a lot harder than I thought.”
“The new job, huh? In Marseille?” Her mother said it “Mar-say.” Kelsey repeated it in her head, trying to collect herself. Mar-say. Mar-say.
“I’ll be fine,” Kelsey said. “You know, I always get like this. Trying to be perfect. And failing.”
“Yes, and you always achieve your goals in the end. You’re so talented, honey. So strong. You listen to me. Put your feet up and have a cup of hot tea and do something to relax. Tomorrow will be a better day.”
“I know. Don’t worry about me.”
“I’m not worried, not at all. I know you can do this. You’ve always been steady as steel.”
But not now, Mom. I’m freaking out. She hadn’t told her mother about Theo, or Minya, only that she was working on a new aerial act, working on the staging of a whole new show. And she wouldn’t even know where to begin telling her about...the other stuff. She was pretty sure her mother still believed she was a virgin. In her mother’s world, premarital sex didn’t exist. Much less...
A guy hit me today, Mom. He’s my partner. Oh yeah, and we’re having sex. And it’s not totally consensual all the time. Which I kind of enjoy.
Kelsey could hear the other nurses talking in the background. Her mother worked in the ER. It was a job she’d started so she could take Kelsey to gymnastics practices during the daytime and work at night. All that sacrifice. For this--this craziness that had become Kelsey’s life. “I should let you go. Are you okay? How’s daddy?”
“I’m fine, Dad’s fine. We miss you, honey. We can’t wait to come see your new show. You let us know when we can buy tickets.”
“Don’t buy any, I’ll get you some for free. Whenever you guys are able to come over.”
“We’ll be so proud of you, honey. We are so proud of you. Call me tomorrow and let me know you’re feeling better, okay?”
“Okay. I love you, mom.”
“Love you too, sweetie. Talk to you soon.”
Kelsey hung up and hugged her knees to her chest. She touched her cheek for the fiftieth time, even though the redness was long gone. It wasn’t the first time he’d touched her in violence--but it had to be the last. The first time, when he’d put his hand on her throat and pinned her to the wall, she’d chalked it up to his grief over Minya. This time she didn’t understand why the hell he’d flipped out.
She didn’t understand a lot of things about him...just that she was attracted to him in a really uncomfortable and intense way. She didn’t have any experience with abuse. She didn’t know if she was a helpless victim or a knowing accomplice. Or if she was just plain old sick in the head. That’s what her grandmother would have said about her relationship with Theo. That he was sick in the head, and that she was too, by association. Kelsey thought she could use a good talking to from her grandma right now.
She heard a knock at the door, and for a moment imagined it was her grandma come down from heaven for a frank chat. More likely it was Wayne. Kelsey skittered to the bathroom to be sure all the tears were wiped off her face. Jesus, she looked like hell. Wayne would know she’d been crying and then he’d want to comfort her. He’d ask in his kind, understanding voice what had upset her...
“Kel-zee...open up.”
Theo. Of course he wouldn’t be ashamed to show his face. He probably didn’t even believe he’d done something wrong. Kelsey waited, not sure whether she should answer the door. His voice came again, and a sharp loud knock.
“Kelsey! Let me in.” She unlocked the door before Theo roused the whole house. She swung it open and glared at him with her hands on her hips.
“Come by to slap me again?”
He stared back. “Can I come in?”
“That depends. Are you going to hit me, choke me, or force yourself into any of my orifices? Because I’m not in the mood tonight.”
He studied her face, brushing a finger below one of her red eyes. “Did I make you cry? I didn’t think I hit you that hard.”
She started to shut the door on him, but he stopped her. “Please let me come in. I have to explain.”
She let him in, but she didn’t sit down, and neither did he. He looked at her with what almost passed for remorse.
“I--” He spread his hands in a helpless gesture. “I was just so shocked when you let go.”
“Yes, I was equally shocked when you slapped me,” Kelsey said. “The mat was right there. It’s not like I jumped from fifteen feet or anything.”
Theo sighed. “It’s a safety thing. You never let go. Your strength and my strength have to work together, especially when we have tricks to do. The release is planned. It’s important. You see?”
“Yes, I’m not an idiot. You could have explained that to me without the violence.”
His eyes burned her. “I can’t lose another partner. Especially...especially not you.”
Agonizing silence stretched between them, before Theo squared his shoulders and held out an oblong box in his hand. “So...I want you to have these.”
She eyed the offering. “Thank
s. But I don’t smoke.”
“I know. I’m quitting. Take these and get rid of them for me. I know I can say I’m sorry and maybe you’ll forgive me, but it’s not enough. I want to show you I’m really sorry for hitting you in anger, and so this is how. I won’t smoke anymore.”
Kelsey took the box. She had to pull it a little to get him to let go. “Are you...you’re really sure about this?”
He nodded. “I need to quit anyway. Bad habit. As you say...the smell...”
“And your health,” Kelsey added. “Your lungs. You want to be able to breathe when you get old.”
He gave a low, bitter laugh. “I’ll never get old. I don’t plan to.” He looked up at her, stroked her cheek again. “I am sorry, Kels. So sorry. I made you cry.” For some reason, he sounded shocked by that. If Theo knew how many times she’d cried because of him already.
“I hate that you make me feel this way,” Kelsey blurted.
“What way?”
“You know. All mixed up and unbalanced. You do it on purpose.”
“I don’t,” Theo said, shaking his head. “I am just me. I’m sorry if it makes you feel...what did you say? Unbalanced?”
“Bullshit. ‘I am just me’? What a cop out. You know what you do to me. You try to make me feel crazy. I think deep down inside you’re happy you made me cry.”
Theo looked at her a long time, not bothering to deny what they both knew was true. “I find tears very erotic,” Theo finally said. “Especially when they come from such a strong person. But answer this, ma chère. Don’t you enjoy it too? Being made to feel this way? A little scared? A little...threatened?”
Kelsey tightened her grip on the box of cigarettes at her side as he came closer. His arm slipped around her waist. He was freshly showered, and for once, didn’t smell like smoke. He was actually going to quit smoking for her. “Theo...” she stammered.
“I think you enjoy it very much,” he said, bowing his head close to hers. “I think you’ve had enough of safety and duty to last a whole lifetime.”
