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I sighed and rubbed my hand over my face. If I thought it had been awkward after we kissed, I didn’t know what I was gonna say to him today.
More to the point, I didn’t know how I was going to cope with the realization that I had feelings for this man. It was weird that it had taken sex for me to realize that I had genuine feelings for him, but hey, my life was weird, and so I didn’t expect this to be any different.
The next issue, of course, was what I was going to do about the feelings. Which was, at this point, not a damn lot. What was I supposed to do? After all, he’d moved her to escape the death of his wife. I couldn’t exactly try to convince him to have a relationship.
Not that I wanted a relationship.
Besides, even if I did want a relationship, falling for a man with children was never in my plan. Except, of course, these weren’t just any kids. Eli and Ellie were different—and, dammit. I wasn’t just falling for their dad, I was falling for them, too.
And that was the biggest problem.
Avery time I looked at them, I saw myself. I saw myself as the five-year-old girl who lost her mother. Granted, they lost their mother a lot younger age than I had, but it didn’t change the fact I knew how it felt to grow up without one.
Not that it meant that it was my job to take over as their mom.
Not that I thought I could. You didn’t just take over a job like that, after all.
See? This was exactly why I didn’t want to fall for somebody who had kids. There were too many questions, almost a strange kind of etiquette that came of this situation. And I didn’t know how to handle it. I was too flighty to handle it.
But…was there a way to handle it? I knew my stepmother had. Portia had never had an issue, at least that’s not what it seemed. To me, she’d stepped smoothly into the role of being a parent although she never had any kids of her own. Maybe that was why she was able to. Her maternal instincts had been there after all and it had never been her choice not to have children but one that the universe is decided for her.
The difference was, I’d never wanted to have children.
It had never even been in my plans. Never considered, never been anything I’d ever particularly wanted.
Well, until now.
At least, I thought I wanted that.
Maybe, I just wanted Ellie and Eli.
It was a strange feeling. I never thought I’d find myself falling in love with somebody else’s children. The problem was, Ellie and Eli were so very easy to fall in love with. Sure, they fought, but what kids didn’t?
No, the best part of their relationship was the way they loved each other even when they were screaming at each other. Not to mention they were both just so adorable it would be hard not to love them anyway.
With a sigh, I pushed the bed sheets to the side and climbed out of bed. I’d laid still long enough, and it was time to get up and do something. Even if that thing was only walking to the coffee machine.
Not that walking to the coffee machine didn’t achieve anything, and, honestly, it felt like the only thing I could do right now.
Because I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to say to Brantley when I saw him this morning.
I couldn’t exactly be like, “Oh, hey, thanks for the sex last night, I’m going to build your kids wardrobe now.”
No. Ugh.
What was I saying about not regretting last night?
Stupid me. I’d spoken too soon.
I walked into the bathroom to a doubletake in the mirror. There were dark bags beneath my eyes and my hair was messed up beyond belief.
Honestly, I looked like I’d been in a fight with a bush and lost.
I turned on the shower, and stared at myself in the mirror while the water ran behind me. I looked like shit. My make-up was smudged, giving me dark circles under my eyes. My dry lips still held hints of my red lipstick where I hadn’t bothered to wash my face before going to sleep last night.
And I didn’t even include the zip that was coming up on the side of my nose. Great. Just great.
I took a deep breath and grabbed my face cloth. I dipped it under the flow of water coming from the shower and wiped my face until all traces of yesterday’s make-up had gone.
I sighed heavily, stripped off, and got into the shower.
Letting the water rush over me, I tried to relax. It wasn’t working. So many horror theories about what would happen when I saw Brantley were swirling around in my head. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. Was it because I knew he wasn’t really in a position to have a relationship? Or was it because I knew no matter how much I liked him this wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted?
