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“I think this thing between us is beyond hiding, don’t you?”
A hollow bubble of hope swells my chest as I imagine a public life with Valerian. “What about the Darken?”
“Consummate the bond, and together, we’ll be powerful enough to go after Hellebore and destroy my grandfather’s soul once and for all.”
My throat tightens, and the question I’ve been too afraid to ask tumbles from my lips. “Do you love me?”
His eyes darken. “Truth?”
I nod, my heart pounding strangely in my chest as I await his answer.
“When I watched you walk through the restaurant earlier, pulling down your dress, your lips twisted in that adorable half-smile you get when you’re uncomfortable, totally oblivious to how every male Fae was watching you, I realized something. No matter what you look like, no matter whose body you inhabit, the bond between us will never be severed.” I’m speechless as he drags his thumb over my wavering bottom lip. “I would do anything for you, Summer Solstice. You have to know that by now. Anything. That has to be better than what you call love.”
I blink, trying to mask my disappointment. “Valerian, I told you, I want it all. You said those words once, when you explained our soulbond to me. Why can’t you say them again?”
“Because that would be a cruelty, pretending I believe in something I do not.” A frustrated sigh escapes his lips. “I’ve watched humans enough to know that human love is an illusion that fades with time, corrupting into apathy and sometimes even loathing.”
“Not always.”
“How could you want something so fragile when the magic of the soulbond is unshakeable, growing stronger with time, not weaker?”
I frown, searching for the words to explain why this is important to me. “Yes, mortal love isn’t perfect. It’s messy and complicated and not driven by magic, but choice. The choice to commit to one another forever. The choice to stay when life gets hard. When the other falls ill or gets fat or depressed or—the point is, it’s a choice between two people, not some magical bond.”
Something cold and unrecognizable flashes over his countenance. “When my mother lived in your world, she discovered this human love. She was obsessed with it, consuming every book and movie she could find about it. And when she came back to visit me, it was all she could talk about. She recounted in painstaking detail the countless mortal men she fell in love with. How wonderful and magical it all was.”
I freeze, trying to determine where he’s going with this. He’s never spoken of his mother to me before.
“She talked of your mortal love right up until the day she abandoned me, leaving me alone in the clutches of a mad, violent king and a callous father. So I think I’ve had my fill of mortal love.”
My heart aches for him. “Love isn’t what made her leave you, Valerian.”
I reach out to touch his cheek, but he catches my wrist. “Don’t. Please, Summer.”
I look down at his fingers tight around my wrist. Back up at him. Tears wet my eyes. “I can’t keep doing this, Valerian. Not if you can’t love me.”
“You say you want irrational love, but I would give my life for you, my eternal mate. Why is that not enough for you?”
The others burst into the room. They halt for an awkward second, and I think they’ve picked up on the tension in the air, but then Asher cracks some joke about getting a room and Ruby begins drawing an obscene sketch into the ice wall behind us.
Only Eclipsa and Mack seem to notice Valerian’s icy demeanor and the hurt I know is plastered over my face. Sliding from his lap, I wipe my eyes and announce that I’m throwing my name in the gauntlet.
Thankfully, Eclipsa uses that as an excuse to end the dinner.
“Early training tomorrow,” she says through a fake yawn. “Summer needs her rest before the torture begins.”
Asher scowls at her. “What do I do with the tray of ice shots I just ordered?”
Eclipsa looks from Valerian’s emotionless face to Asher and shrugs. “I think you two can figure it out.”
Right before Eclipsa portals us to our dorm, I look to Valerian as I leave, hoping for . . . I don’t know. A look that says he’s come to his senses and realized that he can love me after all. That I’m worth the pain and vulnerability that comes with that.
Instead, he gives me a cold nod that pits in my stomach.
Long after the dinner, when I’m tossing on the lower bunk, reliving everything that happened between Valerian and I, his words play over and over in my head.
I would give my life for you, my eternal mate. Why is that not enough for you?
For a Fae, especially one as dark and broken as Valerian, I know it’s probably the closest he’ll ever come to real love. That I should accept it and hope that he changes.
