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Eli’s eyes widened. “I don’t know. I don’t know, Cosette. But it doesn’t matter anymore because—”
“Oh, God. Oh, God. OhGodohGodohGod.” I ran around the area, turning in circles, throwing aside the remains of the drums, weapons, bodies of those who had stayed to fight and died. I searched every corner for him, and with every second that passed, my panic grew until it was choking me.
“What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Did I burn him? Did I burn Chris? Oh, God.” I couldn’t stop the rambling rant or the tears or the pain that was swallowing me down to a deep dark pit of my own Hell.
Eli flew after me. Reached for me. “Peace.”
I shoved his hand away. “There is no such thing as peace, you asshole. I have no peace. I have nothing left!”
“And you won’t. Not for a while. That’s the pain of losing someone you love more than yourself. That love is a gift and in time, you’ll feel that it—”
He was wrong. He was so unbelievably wrong. “I can’t. I won’t ever come back from this. I want to die. Just kill me. Please.” I grabbed Eli’s warm hands and held on with everything I had left. “Please. I beg you. I have nothing left. Put me to peace. Kill me now.” My breaths came in gasping hiccups and I wanted it to end. I wanted to be with Christopher. This was it. This was my answer.
And with that, some of the pain went away.
Yes. I just needed to die. That would fix everything.
He said he would follow me wherever I went, and I would follow him. I would find a way. I would—
Eli’s wings were spread wide, covering us in shadows. “It doesn’t work that way. I can’t kill you.”
“You won’t!” I shoved him. “You could kill me but you won’t!” I could feel my face heat with rage.
“You’re right. I won’t.” His face was pale and his eyes were brimming with buckets of pity and he was shaking his head, but all I could see was that he wouldn’t do this for me. “There is so much good that you could do—”
Good. I couldn’t do any good! “You don’t un
derstand. I have nothing left! I’ll burn your beloved mortal world to the ground unless you kill me now!”
“I won’t do that, Cosette.” He took a step toward me, hands out, but I didn’t want him to touch me. “I know that you don’t understand right now, but I need you to have faith.”
I laughed through my sobs. “Fuck that.”
“You have to have faith that God has a plan—”
“Tell that to Christopher!” I shoved the archon hard enough to knock him back a few steps. “Where was his plan? Where was God for him? He was tortured his whole life, and still he was good and kind and loving and happy. So happy. All the time. Wherever he went, there was joy. No matter how hard life was to him. And where was his reward?”
“In Heaven.”
I took a calming breath. I licked my lips, swallowing down my anger. Okay. I had a new plan. Something I could get Eli to do.
I took one more breath. This would work. “Then send me there.” I had to talk calmly to him or he wouldn’t do what I asked. “Take me to Heaven. If not to see Chris, then to talk to my father.”
His shoulders slouched a bit, and I wasn’t sure if it was relief or something else, but it didn’t matter. As long as he did what I asked.
“Okay. Okay. That I can do.”
“Okay.” My father would fix this. I hadn’t spoken to him, hadn’t asked anything of him, hadn’t needed anything from him in one hundred and fifty-two years. But today—today—I would ask something of him.
“Cosette! What have you done, you stupid child.” My mother’s voice was like ice over my smoldering grief, covering it in frost until I was frozen beneath it.
I looked at what remained of the charred room. Everyone had fled what felt like ages ago but it could’ve been minutes. Even the fighting fey were gone. It had been just me and Eli. But now Van was back, and he’d brought my mother.
“I did what you asked of me. As I always do.” I said the words, but I didn’t feel like I was in my own body. Not anymore. I was floating. “I found my husband.” My voice sounded like it was coming from somewhere else. Somewhere so far away.
“You’re not as smart as I thought you were if you thought he could ever be your equal. And now your pet is dead.” Her eyes narrowed. “Van. Take her home while I clean up another of her messes. I can’t even look at her.”
My mother’s words floated over me like water on the shore. Brushing against me and receding. I was too numb to feel them. Too empty. Too tired.
