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I was fading. I couldn’t keep track of time—it drifted. Sometimes going by slowly. Other times speeding by. My magic was draining away, drip by drip. I’d opened the door inside me and was letting the moonlight inside float out into the air around me. This was the way of the fey when we were done with this world. When the last of my magic was gone, I would be gone, too.
I kept waiting for one of my stupid assassins to come kill me. Get it over with. Especially after the firestorm at Gales. But now that I was broken and weak, I apparently wasn’t worth the challenge anymore.
So I was left to wait for the second worst day in my life while my grief swallowed me whole.
Mother stopped by. She made it clear I was pathetic, but her words couldn’t hurt me. She reminded me of our bargain. How I was supposed to act. How I was supposed to obey. How I was supposed to give her what she wanted. In return, she would always look after my well-being first and foremost.
I wasn’t sure if that last part was a lie. Could my mother lie?
It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
Maybe I should be upset that Eli hadn’t followed through on his promise yet. At the very least he could spare me from today. But he’d come and gone a few days ago. He was trying to find my father, but hadn’t had any luck so far. I wasn’t sure that mattered. Not anymore.
Van was upset—that we were getting married and that I was giving up—and I would help him if I could. But I couldn’t fix either. Not anymore.
He alternated between begging me to live and yelling at me and then bribing, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t be sure if I even really heard his words, but he’d been alive for millennia. Losing me wouldn’t kill him.
But today we’d be married. I stared at my dead eyes in the mirror as the fey ladies tugged on my hair, and I knew I was half-gone anyway. I’d seen someone
fade years ago. I held my dear friend’s hand as she breathed her last breath. Her baby had died, and she didn’t have it in her to live with that piece of her soul gone.
I hadn’t understood her choice then, but now…now I did.
The bond between Chris and I had been tiny and barely there, but I’d felt it. The magic grew slowly over time. It wasn’t instant like with Tessa and Dastien. Or Claudia and Lucas. Or Meredith and Donovan. For us it grew and grew and grew. From a friendship and understanding and basic caring for each other to this all-consuming love where I didn’t think I could breathe without him.
But now I knew I couldn’t breathe without him.
So, today didn’t matter. Mother wanted me to marry Van, so I’d obey. I’d marry Van, but really, I was just waiting. Waiting for an assassin to come kill me. Waiting for the last of my magic to fade away. Waiting to see if tomorrow would come or if today I’d finally get my wish.
The sound of the air coming into and leaving my body was the only thing I heard. I listened to that whisper of internal wind as the servants came back to put the last finishing glitter in my hair. As they painted my face to make me look less like a ghost. As they dragged me to the moonlight room filled with fey.
If I cared about looking at the room, I’d have noticed the glowing white flowers, the stars that hung below the ceiling, or the music that drifted in the air as I walked. It was the same at each of my siblings’ weddings. This one was probably better than the last, since my mother liked to outdo herself with each one. There had been many that I’d been forced to attend as my sibling burned through partners in a quest to become the most powerful. There was some relief to know that I’d only have to do this once because soon, very soon, I would fade away to nothing.
With each step farther down the aisle, the whispers grew. The fey all knew what had happened. They all knew what I was now. Formerly strong. Now shattered by Ziriel. Finally fading.
At least one good thing came from it all—everyone knew Gales was full of djinn demons.
The rest of the fey wouldn’t stand for that. Ziriel was dead, but Gales would still pay.
But not today.
Today I was marrying Van.
I didn’t see the faces watching me as I walked up the aisle. I didn’t hear the music. I didn’t smell the flowers. I was walking and breathing and that was it. If I started feeling again, I’d burn the whole court to the ground.
Burn everything until this world was filled with nothing, just like my soul.
I paused when I saw Van standing at the altar waiting for me like a good little god. I think he would’ve fought my mother over this much harder, but he probably hoped that shifting our relationship would keep me tied to this world. It was a valiant effort, and I loved him in spite of it, but he looked so ill that he nearly seemed ready for his own funeral. His midnight blue suit and glittery tie matched my dress, and apparently his feelings about this shame of a ceremony matched mine, too.
For the first time in days, I smiled. I didn’t even realize I’d done it until I saw Van’s answering smile.
And then came the guilt.
How could I smile when Chris was dead?
When he’d died trying to save me?
When I burned his body?
