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“I know, but this would be different.”
He shrugged, and the cool exterior vanished. “Or we could get married.” He sounded like he’d enjoy it as much as I would. Meaning not at all. “It would be a marriage in title only. We could make them believe we were together. We wouldn’t lie, but we could go around the truth of it.”
But we’d still have to cement the union at least once. “I…” I couldn’t do that. Van was like a father to me. “I want what I can’t have. Anything else sounds
horrible to me. I’m not sure I trust myself to make a rational decision about any of this when my heart is on the line.” It didn’t matter if it was Gales or Leaves or Midnight. Anyone that wasn’t Chris would finish breaking my heart.
“You have to let him go.” Van’s voice softened further. “Your Chris can’t survive at court. His very nature won’t allow it.”
“I know.” But every time I heard that, a little flake of my iced-over heart fell to the ground, lost forever. “We’ve done impossible things. We saved the world. Twice. We defeated Satan’s second in command. Why can’t I find a way to help Chris survive here? An amulet. A spell. Something that can save my heart from this.”
Van sat again and leaned back against the couch. He rubbed a hand over his forehead as he thought quietly. “You know, you make a good point.”
Hope, all fire and precious and bright, lit in my soul. “If I could find a way to give Chris enough power, then he could survive here. Right? So, what would I need to do to make that happen? Because I can do it. I have power and favors still owed to me. I haven’t given all of them away over the last few weeks. Almost. But not all. Just— There has to be a way.”
“I…” Van considered for a moment, and then put his elbows on his knees, back bowed as he thought some more. Eventually, he let out a breath.
I knelt in front of him, grabbing his hands. “You’ve thought of something?”
“Nothing that I think could really work. He’d have to somehow not be a werewolf. With that side of him, I just don’t see how he could live here. Donovan couldn’t and he’s arguably the strongest wolf alive right now. Do you think Chris would give his wolf up for you? That he would let us kill the other half of his soul? If his wolf were gone, then maybe it would be possible.”
I swallowed. All the hope burned to ash. “No. I don’t know how I could even ask that of him. It wouldn’t be fair, and he’d hate me for it. Resent me. Killing his wolf would be a wound that would never heal. It’d fester until it destroyed both of us.”
“But he doesn’t trust his wolf. That’s what you told me.”
“He doesn’t trust it.”
“Then maybe he wouldn’t mind it as much as you think?”
“No. It’d be like chopping off one of his healthy, working limbs, just because he didn’t like the scar on it. You saw where he came from. How we found him. In that pit? Of course he doesn’t trust his wolf, but he will. I know he will. He’s around a healthy pack now. Eventually, he’ll have a healthy relationship with his wolf. I can’t take that away from him. I’d never ask him to.”
Van nodded slowly. “Then you have your answer.”
Yes. I guess I did. “Court of Gales, then?”
I rose, and Van stood, too.
He grabbed the binder from the table. “I’m meeting with the guards in an hour. The court is abuzz with the dead body found outside your quarters.”
I laughed at that, even if it was a hollow sound. “I bet they were.”
“We’ll find the traitors. I already have a few ideas about who they are among the twelve of them.”
I did, too. “I think we’re probably on the same page.”
“Always. We can weed them out while at Gales. We’ll take the usual seven—three loyal, four traitors—and we’ll see who makes it back alive. Just like the good old times.” He was trying to sound cheery, but it just came off as fake.
“If you say so, then I guess it must be true.”
“It is, and I’ll talk to your mother for you. Inform her of our destination and have her tell the king that we shall be there by the evening. Sound okay?”
No. It sounded awful. “I’ll pack a few things.”
“Best to make sure you can fight in everything.”
Fight. Now that was something I could enjoy. “Is it insane that for the first time, I’m actually looking forward to more assassins?”
“If you’re insane, then I’m right there with you.” He pulled me in for another hug. “For the record, I hate all of this for you.”
