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“You have to forget him.” Mother wiped away the tear. “If you truly love this werewolf, it’s the only way.”
“And how well did that work out for you?” My tone was too sharp. I was snapping at her, and she didn’t deserve it. But damn it, letting go of Chris hurt something so vital, so deep inside of me, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over it.
My mother laughed, not caring about the sharp tone I’d used. “I’ve had a lot of different loves in my life. I’ve managed to get over nearly all of them.”
“I know. You have children from three different sires.”
“Yet only one from your father. You’re special to me.”
I was the youngest of my siblings, so it made sense that she still talked about him the most. “You still miss him.” It didn’t take a genius to know that. My father was special. He was an Archon. Their whirlwind romance hadn’t lasted more than a fortnight, but he left his mark on her. He gave her me.
“I will always miss your father, but he was not meant for this realm.” She let out a long breath. “Love can come and go, but this court is enduring. You’re past the marrying age, and with everything that’s happened these past few months—especially with your new magical ties—I can no longer shove you in a corner and help the court forget about you. You’ve become way too visible. You’ll be allowed to leave when you’re needed for this new council pact you made, but other than that—you need to focus on your power base at court. Marry. Not next month. Now. Find someone strong with good ties and for the sake of the heavens, get it done fast.”
No. I couldn’t stay here indefinitely. The court would suffocate me, emotionally if not literally. I couldn’t marry someone else when my heart belonged to another. The mere idea of it was revolting. “There has to be another way.”
“I’m afraid not. Perhaps someone from the Solar Court would suit?”
My laugh was equal parts annoyance, exasperation, and desperation. “Now, I’m questioning your sanity. A Solar fey? Really, Mother? They’re too hyped up on their own importance. We’d have to line the walls with mirrors to keep him occupied.”
“Fine.” She sighed and relaxed back against her desk again. “Then Leaves? I’ve always found them quite fun.”
“Leaves? You want me to marry someone from Leaves?” They were nice enough, but all they wanted to do was party and see where the days and nights took them. They were amazing archers, but I wasn’t sure that any of them would be much better off here than a werewolf. Lunar Court was the definition of deadly.
“Well, then, my dear. Is there someone from our court?” She crossed her arms. “Perhaps Van—”
“No.” I left no room for negotiation in my tone. Van had been my guard for a long time. He’d watched me grow up, and while that kind of thing was common among the fey, for a relationship to change as a person grew, I couldn’t with Van. He was too much like my father or even an older brother to me. It just could never, ever happen.
“Well, I’ve a list of suitors. A whole binder full.” She walked around her desk, pulling out an actual binder. “The letters started arriving a few weeks ago. I took liberties as your queen and mother and burned the ridiculous ones.”
My eyes widened as I took in the three-inch thick tome. “I’m grateful for that at least.” But the binder was still too large.
“You should be. Some quite strange ones in the mix. Even for the fey.” She handed me the binder and it weighed as much as the moon in my hands. “Pick someone kind and strong. Someone who can survive this madness. Someone who can be a true partner. Or pick someone you could kill if you can’t stand them in a year. But be quick about it.”
“I can’t.” My throat was dry and my hands were sweaty and I couldn’t even begin to process what she was saying. The thought that I had to pick a husband when Christopher was in danger… “Not now. Maybe later when—”
“Put him out of your mind.” She tapped the binder in my hands. “You may read through the binder here or take it with you. Cry, if you must. But do that here and now in this space where no one will know. And when you leave this room, the facade goes back up and thicker than ever. Strong. Colder than moonlight over ice. And with no more mentioning of this werewolf of yours. Ever. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Ugh. I hate it when you call me that. So formal.”
I blinked and another traitorous tear slipped free. “And what would you prefer?”
“From you, when it’s just us, Mama.” She rubbed her thumb across my cheek, taking the tear with it. “Always Mama.”
“I’m sorry, Mama.” Saying it felt as if the long years of torment were gone and I was a child again. But they weren’t gone, and I was about to go through another wave of it.
“I love you. Be safe.” She cupped my cheek for a moment before striding though the door, slamming it behind her. She’d pretend that I’d annoyed her again with the werewolf business, but leave Chris out of it. She wouldn’t hurt my standing at court, even if it cost her something.
My legs were unsteady as I walked to her couch. I sat heavily, and when the tears threatened to drown me, I welcomed them.
Chapter Three
CHRIS
Today needed to end. I’d been okay for a while. I had a plan and a purpose, but after a few more hours walking in the desert, I wondered if Eli was fucking with me. It wasn’t a crazy thought. He seemed to enjoy stringing Tessa along, so it wasn’t much of a stretch that he would do the same to me. But why?
I took the last swig of spit-warm water and cursed him for not leaving me food. I’d forced myself not to drink it all at once, but it’d been hard. And now I was out of water and hunger was making my wolf edgy. If Cosette was in dang
