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After the battle was done and the dust had settled, I’d showered and thrown on a pair of gray sweatpants, but now I was sweaty again. I might need another shower, but I wasn’t going to sacrifice what might be the little bit of time I had with Cosette on something like that.
I walked back into my bedroom and threw the towel down by t
he bed. When I lay back down beside her, I was calmer. I ran my hand down her silk robe that probably covered up a too flimsy nightgown. I didn’t want to think too hard about any of the other Weres catching sight of her in the hallway.
“Do you believe me? That your wolf is sane?”
God. I didn’t want to talk about this. “I do, but what good does it do to let him loose? Why should I take the risk?”
She rose up on one elbow to look at me. “You could be stronger.”
I shook my head. “Not like Tessa or Dastien.”
“No, but you could be Alpha if you wanted.”
I pictured my grandfather. His face partially shifting as he ordered me beaten. The pain of my bones being broken one-by-one.
I shoved the memory down until it was in the past, where it belonged. “I don’t want that kind of control over anyone. Being Alpha comes with good things, but so many bad. There’s always something to fight, someone trying to test you, and I just want peace. I don’t want my wolf. And even if I let him loose, it wouldn’t make a difference with you and me. Having a wolf at all means we can never be together. It doesn’t matter how strong he is.”
“But you could be stronger!”
Suddenly, I didn’t give a shit who heard us fighting.
“Why do you care? What good will it do?” I got up from the bed. “It doesn’t change anything. I’ll never be good enough to be with you.”
She sat up, rising onto her knees with her fists squeezed tightly at her sides. “You’re good enough. It’s not about good enough.”
“Fine! Then I’ll never be strong enough.” I turned and started to stomp to the window, but I smelled the salt of her tears. I knew I’d hurt her, but it was the truth.
I stopped with my back to her, my chin to my chest. “Cosette.” She was breaking my heart.
“I wish I wasn’t from the Lunar Court.” Her whispered words were almost too quiet for me to hear.
“I wish I wasn’t a werewolf, but wishing won’t make this change.” I walked back to the bed. “I can’t change what I am for you. I would if I could. Believe me. I would give anything for it. Any damned thing. But I can’t change this.”
“I need you. I need to be with you. Please don’t give up.”
“This isn’t about giving up. It’s about who we are. I can’t change what I am. Can you?”
She was quiet for a minute. “I’ll find a way to leave the court for good. I don’t know how, but I can find a way. I’ll need time to plan. To make a few bargains. I know I can get away if I just have time to—”
“Cosette.” Her words stabbed, and I wished she’d never said it aloud. She’d never said anything about us beyond friendship. Not a single word. I knew how I felt about her, and I was pretty sure I knew she felt the same, but knowing? That was so much worse. “Don’t torture us with what we can’t have. I’m barely hanging in here.” My voice was raspy, and my wolf was pissed at me for turning her down, but I had no other option.
Cosette started to rise from the bed, but she gave the most pitiful whimper. It cut straight through my soul, and I couldn’t let her leave. No matter how much it hurt later, I needed the time with her now.
I grabbed her hand before she could reach the door. “Stay. Just for tonight. Please.”
She swiped her tears. “Okay. Just for tonight.”
I tugged her back, back, back until we were on the bed. Until our limbs were tangled. Until she fell asleep and I watched her, praying for some kind of miracle…
It had been the most wonderful night of my life, but we never crossed the line. Because if even my lips brushed against hers, then I never, ever would’ve been able to let her go. And I had to. For so many reasons. So many reasons that I wanted to ignore and dismiss and obliterate with my love for her, but I couldn’t.
And still, my wolf must’ve bound us when I eventually fell asleep because by morning, he was frantic for me to claim her. To give her my blood. To bite her. To say the words that would make her my mate.
I’d been pissed at first. Not because I didn’t want to be bound to her, but because I didn’t want to drag her down. But now she was here, in my arms. Now we’d done more than hold each other. So much had changed in just a couple of days, and I wasn’t going to let this pass. I wasn’t going to let her go. I’d never loved my wolf, and nothing that Cosette could ever say about him being sane or good or strong was going to change my mind.
Being with Cosette could mean I’d say good-bye to my wolf forever.
