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Would Delilah want to keep going or turn back?
We’re both caught in a whirlwind we can’t control, and it sucks. I know she loves me. She doesn’t have to tell me, though she does often enough. She shows me. I see it in her pretty blue eyes. I feel it in the way she touches me and how she cares for me.
I love her.
Goddammit, I love her so fucking much. I’m an asshole for lying to myself for so long. I pushed any thoughts of her, memories, and emotions that threatened to surface back down, in no place to deal with something that always ended without her.
I won’t take this second chance for granted. I won’t lose it either. I’ll protect her. I’ll protect this relationship so it can set when we take our last breath. Not a second sooner.
I cover one of her hands with mine before returning it to the handlebar. Having her on my bike, wrapped around me, was yet another fantasy I never thought would happen. Here we are, though. Trust in me to care for her—to keep her safe—has been handed over without question.
Delilah took the helmet and put it on before I had a chance to insist on it. “Share this piece of you with me,” she said. An hour later, we haven’t made it far, but we’ve crossed county lines. I veer onto a small, hidden-from-the-highway dirt road. I don’t think she’ll remember when I brought her here back in college, but it felt like a good time for a revisit.
The river comes into view, and I love the sight of the mountains with the gray and purple of twilight. We dismount, and she sets the helmet on the bike before wandering toward the edge. “You brought me here a few times. I always remembered the beauty but could never find it without you.”
“Why were you looking for it?”
Standing at the water’s edge with her back to me, she says, “I thought if I could find it, it would lead me back to you.”
When her head tilts down, her shoulders shake with a sob that seems to come from out of the blue. I know it’s just been building inside her, though. I go to her as she covers her face with her hands. Holding her from behind, I whisper in her ear, “My heart was always with you. Our beat was just silent until I returned.” I move around to hold her as she cries on my shoulder. “I’m not mad at you, honeysuckle.” Stroking her hair, I whisper, “And I’m not leaving.”
She looks up, the tears that puddle on her lower lids running over. “For now?”
“I’m thinking about forever. What do you think?”
Her smile—small and full of insecurity—is not one that should ever reside on her face. “Do you mean that?”
“If that means staying on the farm or moving to somewhere new, I want to be with you.”
She sighs, her tears finally drying as she wipes away the last of them. “There’s so much debt, Jason. It’s already dragging me down. I can’t saddle you with it.”
“Remember how I wanted to talk about money?”
“Yes, but I didn’t.” Moving to the water’s edge again, she crosses her arms defensively over her chest. I wish she knew she didn’t have to be on guard with me about anything. She glances back at me over her shoulder. “I may not have been the one who grew that debt, but it’s mine to erase and basically impossible. Every time I feel pride in what I’ve accomplished there, another bill arrives to remind me of my failures.”
She stands there as if she has to take on the world on her own. “I’m right here with you. I’ll help however I can, but that means we have to discuss it openly. Every dirty detail of the debt needs to be exposed. It’s the only way we can tackle it.”
“Money brings out the worst in people. It’s not something I want to include in our relationship because eventually, you’ll be drowning just like me. How would I be able to live with myself if I did that to you?”
That’s not the Delilah I know. She’s never been one to focus on the negatives, but after what I’ve learned regarding the human condition, she’s right. “It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“I don’t know anymore, Jason. I just know that my dad died trying to pay it off, and Cole thrived on building it up. Neither had a good outcome.”
“I’m not Cutler. As for your dad, he shielded you from the hell he was living in to protect you. I love you, Delilah. Let me help you end this burden.” We remain next to each other, letting any discomfort evaporate into the beauty of nature.
“How?” she whispers so softly I almost miss it under the sound of the wind brushing across the top of the water.
