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JULY 17, 1999
BELOVED WIFE AND MOTHER
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS
“Can I have a minute with my mom?” I don’t even turn around because I’m stuck staring at her End Day and my birth date.
“I won’t be far,” Rufus says. It’s possible he doesn’t go very far, maybe only a couple of feet, or maybe he doesn’t move at all, but I trust him. He’ll be there when I turn around.
Everything has come full circle between my mother and me. She died the day I was born and now I’ll be buried next to her. Reunion. When I was eight, I found it weird how she was credited as a “beloved” mother when the only mothering she did was carry me for nine months; ten years later, I know much better. But I couldn’t wrap my head around her even feeling like my mom because she never had the chance to play with me, to open her arms as I took my first steps so I could crash into her, to teach me to tie my shoes, none of that or anything else. But then Dad reminded me, in a gentle way, that she couldn’t do any of those things for me because the birth was complicated, “very hard,” he said, and that she made sure I was okay instead of taking care of herself. That’s definitely worthy of the “beloved” cred.
I kneel before my mother’s headstone. “Hey, Mom. You excited to meet me? I know you created me, but we’re still strangers when you think about it. I’m sure you’ve thought about this already. You’ve had a lot of time in your home theater where the credits start rolling because you died while I cried in some nurse’s arms. Maybe that nurse could’ve helped with the severe bleeding if she hadn’t been holding me. I don’t know. I’m really sorry you had to die so I could live, I really am. I hope you don’t send some border patrol to keep me out when I finally die.
“But I know you’re not like that, because of Dad’s stories. One of my favorites is the one where you were visiting your mother in the hospital, a few days before she died, and her roommate with Alzheimer’s kept asking you if you wanted to hear her secret. You said yes and yes over and over even though you knew full well that she used to hide chocolate from her kids when they were younger because she had a sweet tooth.” I place my palm on the headstone’s face, and it’s the closest I’ll come to holding her hand. “Mom, am I going to be able to find love up there since I never got the chance to find it down here?”
She doesn’t answer. There’s no mysterious warmth tak
ing over me, no voice in the wind. But it’s okay. I’ll know soon enough.
“Please look after me today, Mom, one last time, because I know I’m not already dead like Rufus thinks we are, and I would like to have my life-changing day. See you later.”
I get up and turn to my open grave, which is maybe only three feet deep and uneven. I step in, sit down, and rest my back against the side the gravedigger hasn’t finished with yet. I keep my toy sanctuary on my lap, and I must look like a kid playing with blocks in a park.
“Can I join you?” Rufus asks.
“There’s only really room for one. Get your own grave.”
Rufus steps inside anyway, kicks my feet, and squeezes in, resting one leg on one of mine so he’ll fit. “No grave for me. I’m gonna be cremated like my family.”
“Do you still have their ashes? We could scatter them somewhere. The ‘Parting with Ashes’ forum on CountDowners is really popular and—”
“The Plutos and I took care of that a month back,” Rufus interrupts; I should try and rein in my stories about online strangers. “Scattered them outside my old building. I still felt mad empty afterward, but they’re home now. I want the Plutos to scatter my ashes elsewhere.”
“Where are you thinking? Pluto?”
“Althea Park,” Rufus says.
“I love that park,” I say.
“How do you know it?”
“I went there a lot when I was younger, always with my dad. He would teach me about different clouds, and I would shout out which clouds were in the sky while I was swinging toward them. Why do you like it there so much?”
“I don’t know. I end up there a lot. It’s where I kissed this girl, Cathy, for the first time. I went there after my family died, and after my first cycling marathon.”
Here we are, two boys sitting in a cemetery as it begins drizzling, trading stories in my half-dug grave, as if we’re not dying today. These moments of forgetting and relief are enough to push me through the rest of my day.
“Weird question: Do you believe in fate?” I ask.
“Weird answer: I believe in two fates,” Rufus says.
“Really?”
“No.” Rufus smiles. “I don’t even believe in one. You?”
“How else do you explain us meeting?” I ask.
“We both downloaded an app and agreed to hang out,” Rufus says.
