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“Your mom and I were thinking about sitting down with you soon to talk about this stuff—to talk about sex. Let’s call it what it is. Sex. We figured you two might be thinking about this at some point . . .” Dad stops himself. “Wait. Have you both already . . . ?”
My face is on fire; maybe my superpower wish to burst into flames is coming true. “We have,” I say.
Dad sucks in his upper lip, which he normally does whenever he’s nervous he might say the wrong thing if he speaks too quickly. He looks directly at me. “Was that your first time?”
“Yup.”
“Good choice,” Dad says, turning red. “That came out wrong. Sorry, Theo. I’m trying to say sex means more when it’s with someone you care about.”
I know my dad had sex a couple of times before meeting my mom—I forget why it came up a couple of years ago, but it did—and it’s good to hear he feels this way. It just sucks that I have to be reminded of it right now, when all I wanted to do was buy condoms with my boyfriend and our best friend.
This silence is painful and awkward. Endless, too.
Theo points at a bottle behind my dad. “Hey, a shampoo that doubles as a conditioner.”
“Groundbreaking product, Theo!” Wade laughs. I can’t blame him for how much he’s loving this.
“I know you don’t need some birds-and-bees talk,” Dad continues. “Birds and birds? Maybe it’s bees and bees? I’m not sure if the bird or the bee is the boy in that idiom.” He ge
ts lost trying to figure that out for a second before returning to earth. “I don’t know all the mechanics of same-sex sex, but I’ve been researching different forums lately, and I’m around to talk if you have any questions. Both of you.”
Researching? Jesus. “Okay,” I say, my eyes now glued to the scuffed linoleum floor. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Thanks, Gregor,” Theo says.
“Anytime,” Dad says.
Never again, please.
“I’m going to do you both a solid right now,” Dad says.
Maybe he’s going to do some Jedi mind trick to make everyone here forget this interaction ever happened. He gets back in line, grabs the condoms out of the bowl of chocolates, holds them up for us to see, approaches the cashier, and puts the condoms, cereal, and razors on the counter. I look around the store because I can’t bear to watch. I spot rat poisoning and the wheels of my superhero origin story begin spinning; I’ll drink some and will suddenly have the ability to become a tiny rat at will—a rat that doesn’t need condoms, a rat that can avoid the awkwardness of his father buying condoms for him.
Theo and I bolt for the exit. Wade strolls after us, beaming.
Outside, Dad offers me the plastic bag with our condoms, then switches to Theo before I can take it from him, then switches back to me, then back to Theo. I snatch the bag from him when it comes back my way.
“You coming home soon?” Dad asks.
I nod, staring at the ground again. “Probably not going to make eye contact with you for at least a decade.”
“Sounds fair. I’ll see you later. Good night, Theo.”
“Good night, Gregor.”
He walks off.
Wade slow-claps again. “Good going, guys. Do you think your dad is trying to figure out who’s the top and who’s the bottom yet?”
“Shut up,” Theo says.
I grab Theo’s arm, and the three of us walk in the complete opposite direction of my father. “I know it’s really early, but do you think I can move in with you? I’m never going back home. Unless your parents are going to hit you with a ‘bees and bees’ conversation sometime soon, too.”
“Nah, I got that birds and bees conversation when I was ten,” Theo says.
“I guess they didn’t suspect you only needed the bees talk, right? Or is it birds? Damn, my dad had a point there,” I say.
“Doesn’t matter. I like birds and bees.”
