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“Who won?”
“Manuel,” Theo says. “Dude is a beast. It’s one of the few things that can get him to throw on a shirt and hang with everyone.”
“Sounds like you got a squad growing out there.”
“Nothing like you guys,” Theo says. “You know how it goes. You go to school with some people and then you never talk to them again.” He catches himself. “Not going to happen to you two. I swear.”
But it’s already happening. Wade and Theo got into one of their little fights again—no one’s owning up to what it’s about, probably because it’s that stupid—so I’m Theo’s only real link to the squad. Even then, Wade and I hardly count as a squad. Theo is our glue, our center.
“Jackson is cool, though. There, uh . . . there might be something going on there with him,” Theo says. Now he’s completely avoiding eye contact. He is confessing something I’ve suspected since Halloween. But suspicion isn’t enough to stop the room from spinning. Suspicion isn’t the same as confirmation. “I don’t know. It’s still early.”
“Cool,” I lie. It’s a small lie, but I know even then the lies will grow as long as Theo’s time with Jackson does.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for
about a week. It’s just really confusing, because I know I’m not over you. But I like hanging out with Jackson,” Theo says. Hearing Jackson’s name is suffocating, only I can’t show any weakness, because Theo is now looking at me. “I want us to be able to talk about this, Griff. You’re still my favorite person. You’re extremely important to me, but if you don’t want to hear any of this, I can’t get mad at you. What are you thinking?”
I nod like everything’s okay. Even my movements are lies. “Of course I want to be here for you, Theo. Look, we’re not dating. I broke up with you because I imagined that this might happen. You’re not doing anything wrong.” Except spitting in the face of everything we were by moving on two months later. “How’d you guys meet?”
“It was actually on that day where I was late to our Skype chat. It was raining and Jackson pulled over and offered to give me a lift. He gave me a shirt from the back to dry off with, and it was an SMC shirt. We got to talking and we met up that night in the lounge to keep talking.” There’s a lightness to his voice, relief from getting this off his chest. “I think you’d like him, actually.”
I fake a smile. “You tend to have good taste,” I joke instead of screaming. “So you really weren’t expecting Jackson on Halloween?”
“Not at all,” Theo says, almost in one breath. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“What did he dress up as?”
“Cyclops,” Theo answers. “He grew up with a Wolverine and Cyclops fantasy, so we thought it would be funny.”
I don’t see how it’s funny to do a couples costume thing when you’re not dating someone, but okay. “Hey, I actually have to call Wade back,” I lie. “But you should text me a photo from Halloween if you have any. I want to see what this guy looks like.” It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve said.
“Will do. We still good for our call tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” There’s no fucking way I’m ever having another video chat with him as long as Jackson is in his life. I put on an okay show tonight, but my face is bound to betray me. Only phone chats from here on out, where he won’t be able to see me dealing with any of my tics. “Don’t forget to send that photo. See you, Theo.”
Theo takes a deep breath, his head shaking a little. “Later, Griff.”
I log out.
I stare at my phone, waiting for this picture.
I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. Every word he said felt like a brick to the face. He’s not trying to hurt me; I trust he loves me enough to never intentionally destroy me. But once a brick is thrown, it’s out of his hands and it’s up to me to dodge it. If I duck, Theo will think I’m not strong enough to withstand the pain. He may be right.
I wonder if Jackson will look like I imagine, which is everything I’m not: lean, with a surfer’s tan; hair more golden than Theo’s; unreal blue eyes some crush would be poetic about; roll-out-of-bed stubble that looks intentional.
My phone buzzes and there are two attachments. I click them open before I can change my mind. The first is of Jackson, alone, sitting on some floor somewhere. He’s not what I was expecting at all. He reminds me of myself. We have the same complexion, same dark hair, same long legs, and same smirk. Theo found himself a Griffin clone. I’ll throw money down that Theo walks on Jackson’s right.
I check out the second photo, this one of Wolverine-Theo with his arm thrown over Cyclops-Jackson’s shoulders, and both of them are smiling.
The weird thing is, I actually feel better. I don’t think I’m out of the running here. If I have to let Theo throw bricks at me in order to keep him in my life, I don’t have to let them hit me.
I can catch them.
Thursday, December 31st, 2015
Last year on New Year’s Eve, I thought a lot of nonsense about storms being awesome. Then an actual storm brought Theo and Jackson together. I also didn’t really account for lightning, which feels like it’s struck over and over.
Lightning hit when Theo got his acceptance letter.
