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Thursday, August 11th, 2016
It’s been a pretty lonely summer. Theo was only here for two weeks. But there were more than a few times I couldn’t stomach hanging out with him because of how often Jackson would text and call. Wade kept busy with parties and job hunts, but now he seems adrift, too, trying to salvage what’s left of freedom before we enter our senior year. I’m counting down the days until I’m out in California with Theo. Granted, a part of me isn’t counting on actually being with Theo when I get there. I’m not that unrealistic.
Now Wade and I are sitting on Wade’s bedroom floor. We’re bouncing his handball back and forth, listening to the Iron Man soundtrack.
“You still feel like breaking up was the right move for me?” I ask him.
“Yeah,” Wade says. “I know you don’t feel that way.”
He’s right. I’ve asked myself that same question over and over, every morning when I wake up without a text from Theo, every night when I go to bed wishing I could video chat him to say good night, and my answer is never yes. Not when I’m being honest with myself.
“I’m not stupid to think so,” I say.
“I never said you were. But it’s been a year, right? You got to do you.”
“He’s just killing time with Jackson,” I say, bouncing the handball back his way. I shouldn’t be talking about this, but I’m cracking. “Theo said we’d get back together once I was out there in California.”
“When did he say that?” Wade throws the ball behind him on the bed.
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it; I have to talk with someone. I tell Wade everything Theo and I agreed is taboo. He’d probably be really upset at me for betraying his confidence—even though it’s Wade—but I’m alone here. Theo can at least forget about me in the meantime. I’m crying when I finish spilling because I’m not sure I can go another year of Theo not loving me the way I know he can.
“Theo is an asshole to make you wait,” Wade says. His voice is harsh, not the usual joking way he bullies Theo to his face or talks about him behind his back to me.
I shake my head and get a grip on myself. “It’s my fault. I broke up with Theo . . . I broke up with Theo before he could break up with me.” It’s the first time I’ve said the truth out loud. I’m sabotaging my trust with Theo and my trust with myself because being brutally honest is the relief I’ve needed since last year. “I didn’t think he could keep loving me. I thought it was better if I just killed it dead before he did. This way, I can say I controlled our outcome. Except he said he’s still in love with me.”
In some weird way I wish I was the one who almost got hit by a car last summer so Theo could have had that flash moment where he has to picture life without me. Maybe I’d be able to “do me” the way Wade thinks I should.
Wade scoots closer to me. “You’re not complicated. Theo became stupid. He’s a genius academically, but he’s become a gigantic idiot when it comes to dealing with you.” He takes a deep breath. “I have to tell you something. Theo got a single room for his sophomore year so he can have more private time with Jackson. I don’t think Jackson is going anywhere anytime soon.”
I stare at Wade’s bed. My heart pounds. I can hear construction outside in the hallway, the TV his mom left on before leaving to play dominoes with friends. Theo is moving on because I was insecure. “I shouldn’t have doubted him.”
“Stop blaming yourself, dude.” Wade pats my shoulder. “I was there from the start. You did everything. Hell, you maybe did too much. That’s a good thing! If Theo wants to throw that away, you need to throw him away.”
“That’s your best friend,” I say.
Wade shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. Theo shouldn’t have asked you to wait around for him, like you’re some backup plan.”
“He admitted it was selfish.”
Wade looks into my eyes. “Stop defending him, Griffin. And stop putting him on some throne. Theo’s messing up is his fault, not yours.”
He pulls me into a hug, which is rare. But I need it. I hug him back. Then he kisses me, which is unimaginable.
I don’t know what’s happening, and I don’t know why I haven’t stopped it. I don’t have feelings for Wade, never have, and not just because I thought he was straight. But I haven’t been kissed like this since June, and that was a secret stolen kiss with Theo, which we never talked about again. It’s different, too. I never thought I would ever kiss anyone who wasn’t Theo. I never thought some kisses come with different rhythms. Wade is slower than Theo, but it works.
I like it.
At that moment, I stop kissing Wade. He’s Theo’s best friend.
“What the hell?” I gasp, backing off.
Wade doesn’t apologize. He stares at me, probably expecting me to punch him or to run away. He’s no longer the same Wade I grew up with and this dizzies me, even more so than the news of Theo getting the single room so he can pretty much live with Jackson. I wouldn’t have known this without Wade, the only person who’s really been by my side since this breakup. I can’t count on Theo.
So I kiss Wade again. I kiss him because he’s Theo’s best friend.
I have a thousand questions, but I don’t need a single answer right now. There’s only the urgency to prove to Wade that I am complicated, that I’m the real idiot who does idiot things and that’s why Theo doesn’t want me. If I’m as good as Wade thinks I am, then it wouldn’t make sense for Theo to jump into bed so quickly with someone else.
