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“Back at you,” Jackson says.
We hail Jackson a cab. With one last wave, he’s gone. I really don’t know when I’ll see him again, but I promise you, Theo, that we’ll continue taking care of each other, and that I’ll never turn my back on him again.
Saturday, January 6th, 2017
“I don’t know why I agreed to go back to school.”
Thank the Creator of All Universes that Wade is a kind, bored soul who is spending his Saturday morning helping me catch up on missed assignments.
“I think we both know why,” Wade says, pointing at himself. “Solid life choice, by the way.” He is lying across my bed, finishing my math homework—don’t judge me, I can’t possibly do all of this by myself. Team Mountain, remember? His elbow touches my hip, and if this were us months ago, we would’ve shifted away. Now I inch closer to him.
I’m letting my playlist run wild, and after I put the finishing touches on my history report about World War II, I turn to Wade. “Done.” I lie down next to him, knowing I can trust nothing too sexual is going to happen because we’ve left the door open. It sucks, but I’m happy Wade and I aren’t having sex for a while. Our beginning was pretty rocky, so we need a fresh start. This means earning our relationship.
“We should get going.”
Not only am I going back to school this week, but I have a therapy appointment this afternoon with a new doctor. Dr. Anderson was fine and all, but I’m starting over with this psychiatrist my mom’s friend recommended to her. Hopefully Dr. Fergesen doesn’t make me anxious, or I’ll walk out of her office too. I’ll figure out my next move from there.
We throw on our coats and go outside, walking to the clinic.
“I know I’ve been lying to myself about how well I’m actually functioning, and I know I may not be able to scrub myself clean of all the impulses and anxiety completely, but I want to see if I can take some control of my own life back,” I say.
“You’re welcome,” Wade says.
“I didn’t say thank you,” I say.
“I noticed. I thought I’d nudge you in the right direction.”
“Thanks for forcing me to be honest with myself,” I say.
“Anytime, champ,” Wade says.
I smile at him before looking ahead. There’s nothing wrong with someone’s saving my life, I’ve realized, especially when I can’t trust myself to get the job done right. People need people. That’s that.
Even though I’m incredibly anxious as to how this session will go, I feel like I can do anything right now, like make snow angels in nothing but a T-shirt and boxers and never get sick, or race Wade up the side of a building, not giving a single damn about gravity.
I’m on his left, of course, but in the middle of his story about his earliest memory at the movie theater, I shift to his right and hold his hand, which does feel weird, I can’t lie. But it feels good, too. I’m no longer waking up on the wrong side of my life.
HISTORY
Sunday, November 13th, 2016
My closet is dusty and so are my clothes after burying some of Theo’s things back there. I change out of my shirt and jeans, throwing them on the floor. I’m walking to my dresser when my phone rings. I’m a little nervous I’ll now have to tell Theo about Wade, but it’s what has to be done for everyone involved. Still sucks. But it’s not Theo calling. It’s his mother.
“Hey, Elle—”
She’s crying.
Everything is blurring from there. She’s lying about Theo drowning this afternoon, right? I don’t know why she would do this, but there’s no way it’s true. But she’s not lying. I’m crying with her as I run out into the living room, passing the phone over to my parents. My eyes hurt and I can’t breathe and I need air.
I go outside and run as I hear my mom calling for me. I bullet down the stairs and almost trip several times and I don’t care. Knock me out, Universe, I don’t care. I get outside and it’s freezing and it’s the first time I realize I’m in nothing but my boxers and socks. My feet are wet instantly, but the cold isn’t slowing me down from racing into the street. I don’t want to do this; I don’t want to live and be here without Theo. I see a car coming, and I can throw myself out from behind this parked one.
I’m going to do it.
I’m going to do it because he broke his promise.
The car is a few feet away, but I throw myself into a mound of snow behind me instead, shivering and crying. Theo wouldn’t want me to hurt myself. But I also don’t know how to be alive in a universe where I can’t talk to Theo McIntyre.
TODAY
