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I frown. “Sunday. What do you mean? What happened to Saturday?”
“On Friday when you came back here … you were so upset, hysterical. Your headache progressed and you started to vomit so we called the doctor. He gave you a sedative again.”
I frown as I take in the information. “Tash, talk to me. Tell me what’s in your head,” she whispers as she starts to push the hair back from my forehead again. I shrug. “Scoot over, let me in.” She smiles.
I smile and shimmy over. I love it when Mum gets into bed with me. Some things never get old. I roll over and she cuddles my back and kisses my shoulder from behind.
“Is Joshua ok?” I whisper.
She shrugs. “I’m not sure baby. Bridget and Abbie have gone over to see him tonight.” My heart drops, I want to go and see him.
She kisses the side of my face. “Explain to me Tash. I don’t understand, why can’t you forget this last few months and start fresh?”
“Mum, it’s complicated.”
“Please Tash, I’m worried sick over you. I need to know what’s going on in that brain of yours. If I understand why you feel like this I might be able to help you honey, you need to talk to someone. And if you won’t talk to Joshua, talk to me.”
I shrug as I look at the ceiling.
“Natasha,” she whispers, “please.”
‘I love Joshua, Mum, you know that.”
“Why won’t you talk this through with him? Anything can be worked out, Tash, but you need to talk to him. Cutting him out is not the answer,” she sighs.
“Mum, I can’t talk to him. If I talk to him, I will forgive him and I am not strong enough yet to do that.”
She lies silent behind me. I can hear her thinking. “Why are you not strong enough to go back to him?” she whispers.
“I can’t explain it, Mum. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Dad has died or my own mind playing tricks on me.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow as I contemplate whether to tell her or not. “Since Dad’s death I have been having horrible nightmares about Joshua being murdered in front of me.”
“What!” she whispers.
I nod. “I have them at least four times a week and I know it’s the reason I have been having these migraine headaches. I’m so stressed about going to sleep that I am wound up all the time.
“Tash, why haven’t you told me this?”
“Mum,” I start to silently cry, “haven’t I worried you enough? I killed your husband for Pete’s sake. I blame myself for your grief, for all our grief and I can’t forgive myself. No matter how hard I try. I’m so terrified that I am going to lose Joshua to death that I dream about it, it’s not normal. I have been seeing a psychologist at work and she feels that I need to get stronger before I can give myself totally to someone who I don’t trust.”
“Natasha, that’s enough. I won’t have you saying that you killed your father. It was a terrible accident, he had an undiagnosed heart problem and it was just bad timing that it happened when it did.”
“I know,” I whisper unconvinced.
“Do you think you can’t trust Joshua?”
I shake my head. “Mum, Joshua loves me. I know that, but on some level he also loves Amelie and I don’t blame him for that. She’s beautiful and sweet and they have a connection. If he had slept with someone else I would have been upset but I would have understood. I know I left him, but I was grief stricken. If he had been honest and told me that he slept with her before he slept with me, I maybe would have been able to handle it better. He thought I would never have found out and he was just going to lie to me forever. I was in the same room with her and she knew he hadn’t told me that he had slept with her just three days before. I’m ashamed to be so stupid. I thought I would have been able to tell if he was hiding something and I didn’t have a frigging clue. I was totally blindsided,” I whisper in a rush.
“Tash, I don’t think he would be here if he wanted Amelie.”
I nod my head. “Yes he would, Mum, he feels obligated to make me happy.”
She frowns. “Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t make sense.”
