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“Oh get off it. What an idiot,” she tutts as she takes a drag of her cigar. “He could have broken my heart for a hundred grand.”
Bridget laughs out loud and chokes on her drink. “I would have done it for fifty.”
I text.
For what it’s worth, Joshua.
You will always be the love of my life.
“What are you texting?” Bridget tries to grab my phone from me. It beeps again.
Liar
If that was the case,
you would be here with me now.
I scull my drink and light my cigar as I try to think of a comeback. I’m not with you Joshua because I love you.
“What time is it in LA?” I ask the girls as I narrow my eyes.
“Um, it’s Friday night ten o’clock … so in LA it’s … fifteen hours behind us. Seven in the morning,” Bridget answers.
You know I would be with you if I could.
We want different things, Josh.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
A message bounces back.
You don’t get to say that to me anymore.
You have brought me to my knees for the last time.
Stay the fuck out of my life.
I never want to see you again.
Chapter 11
July 14
Dear Diary,
It has been three weeks since my beautiful Joshua left Australia, and his absence has left a massive hole in my heart, in my life. I have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. Every time I eat I have to run to the bathroom. I can’t even vomit effectively now, I just dry retch continually. What can I do right? I’m a mess. I have lost so much weight I look like a skeleton. I never knew the effects of stress could be so damn horrific. The nightmares, the migraines, the insomnia. I have seen my psychologist three times this week. I need to get on top of these nightmares. I’m a walking petrified time bomb. What if they are true? What if they are a premonition? What if I lose my love to death and I never get to tell him how desperately I love him? I wish I could ring him. I want to tell him that I am desperate to share my life with him but I need him to be sure that it is me that he wants, before he wrecks our love completely. He is the only man I will ever love and if I can’t have him, I will have no one. My psychologist is the only one who understands why I have done this to myself. I love Joshua so much that I fear it’s abnormal. How can I turn my life around?
July 29
Dear Diary
I went to the bank today. I feel sick. I don’t want his money. The cheque that was written in my blood. The more I think about it the more I know he has moved on with Amelie. He put that money into my account in guilt. His last words to me were I never want to see you again. At Amelie’s insistence, I’m sure. I don’t want his money, I want his love. I want him to love me like he did when he was just my Josh, my beautiful Josh. I want to remove the last twelve months of my life. I want my dad back, like a do-over. I can’t bear this pain.
August 17
Dear Diary
I went out clubbing for the first time last night, a total disaster. I had three drinks, burst into tears and left. I was in bed before eleven. Max is the only one who understands my level of grief. He gave the other guard the night off so he could come out. He knew I wouldn’t handle things well. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever recover?
