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“You are an idiot if you think I could possibly sleep with someone else,” I scream. “Do you even know me at all?”
“You are going to!” He screams back. “I haven’t slept since Friday knowing this is how you feel.”
“What!” I shake my head in disbelief as my heart drops. “This is what you have been stressed about,” I whisper gently as empathy for my beautiful man fills me.
He fakes a smile. “Reading that your girlfriend wants another man’s hands on her … inside of her … will do that to a man.” He drops his head in sadness.
My heart drops as I rush and wrap my arms around him. “Baby, I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to. I would never do that to you.”
“I know you wouldn’t and that’s why I’m giving you permission.” He pulls me into an embrace. “It will have no effect on our relationship or my love for you. I know you love me. I’m asking you to do this for me.”
I shake my head into his chest as tears fill my eyes. I feel so guilty for making him feel like this.
“Josh, you are all I could ever want. Stop talking please. I don’t even want to talk about this.”
“Tash, when I leave here in the morning I am not coming back for a week and you have a hall pass to sleep with one man.” He pulls my face up to meet his and he wipes my tears. “Just fucking one.”
“I’m not doing it,” I stammer.
“Natasha, listen to me. I know I could never settle down with you if I had never slept around. Curiosity would have got the better of me in the end. I can’t expect of you what I couldn’t do myself. I have thought hard and long about this and I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“I’m not doing it.”
“Natasha … it’s once, it is between us and nobody will ever know. I appreciate you will be discreet and not tell the girls.”
I step back in shock, he’s serious. “Do you want to sleep with someone else? Is that why you are doing this!” I scream. “Do you want a hall pass?”
He smiles sadly and shakes his head. “Tash, I will not leave my hotel for the week. You have my word. I don’t want anyone else.”
“This isn’t you. You would never allow this!” I scream.
“I don?
??t want to be the man that you think I am!” He throws his arms up in the air in anger. “Who am I, Natasha?” He screams so loud that he makes me jump.
I frown as confusion grips me.
“The rich, dominant, cage-fighting male who controls his woman!” he yells in frustration. “Is that all I am?”
The tears start to overflow my eyes. “Baby,” I whisper gently as I reach for him. “I love that man. I don’t want you to change, Josh, not ever.”
“I don’t want to be the man who deprives you and controls you,” he whispers as his eyes search mine. “I want to be the man who gives you everything that you want, the man who loves you unconditionally.” His eyes cloud over and I feel the tears start to run freely down my cheeks.
“You do … you are all I could ever want.” I shake my head in frustration. “How could you even think that what we have is insignificant?”
He shakes his head. “You are misunderstanding me, presh.” He tucks my hair behind my ear gently and wipes a tear away from my cheek. “I know you love me,” he says gently. “This is my way of proving to you and myself that I am worthy of your love. That our love is indestructible. That sex is sex and love is love and that you know without a doubt the difference between the two.”
“Josh I know.”
He gives me a small smile. “My mind is made up. I have thought long and hard about this. Tomorrow I leave you for a week, and I will never ask a question about what you do in this week … I don’t want to know.” He hangs his head. “But I will assume that you will do as I ask.” His eyes bore into mine and with renewed purpose he gets up in a rush and goes to the shower to cut the conversation short.
I slump into the lounge chair as my heart pounds heavily in my chest. Now I have heard it all. Joshua Stanton is the biggest mindfuck in the history of the human world. Sleep with someone else—who is he kidding, as if?
“Turkey, swiss cheese and cranberry on rye please, with a skim cap, no sugar,” I mutter flatly to the cashier in the hospital cafeteria as I look into the glass refrigeration cabinet. I’m flat, oh so flat. It is Tuesday lunchtime and I haven’t spoken to Joshua since he left me yesterday morning in what was the worst goodbye you could possibly imagine. Since the time he told me that he wanted me to be with someone else he wouldn’t touch me, he would only cuddle me and even pulled away from kissing me. His way of distancing himself from me … and sending me quietly insane. The sick thing is that if I am completely honest with myself … and I don’t want to be … what he said actually rings true and I feel sick to my stomach. I have regretted not sleeping with someone else and knowing the difference first hand between love and sex … and if I knew one hundred per cent that I wouldn’t hurt him and it would have no consequence on our relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. I eat my lunch in silence as I look out the window, deep in thought about the conversation we had, a cloud of dread hanging heavily over my head. He said that he could never have settled down if he hadn’t slept around and that he couldn’t ask me to do what he wouldn’t be able to do himself. How many women has he slept with over the years? In ten years’ time will I look back and regret not doing this when I already know I regret it now. Why do I feel like this? I’m so confused. But on the flip side I am so proud of myself that I have only been with someone I love … but then that was never my intention. I never set out to do that, it just happened that way. I put my fingers to my temples as I think. I wish I could talk to the girls about this but I promised Joshua it is just between us and I know he is not telling the boys about it either. He is protecting my privacy, my decision. I don’t think I have ever loved him more than I do now, to know that he would sacrifice what he wants to give me a choice is overwhelming. My eyes tear up at the thought. True unconditional love is what he is offering … and deep down that is all I have ever wanted … truly craved.
So why when I am so in love with Joshua does my mind keep going back to Jesten?
Chapter 29
