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I can’t change my DNA, Natasha.
My heart sinks. It is the cousin thing. That’s something I can’t change either, no matter how hard I try. My eyes fill with tears. I text back:
You are thinking too much.
I wait for his reply but he doesn’t answer. Fifteen minutes go by and still no answer. I start to pace while ringing my hands. Forty–five minutes later, still nothing. With a heavy heart I text him one last time:
I put a key to my apartment on your keyring. Please use it. xxxxx
An hour and a half and a second desperately hot shower later I fall into bed. That’s it, I tried. He can’t let the cousin thing go and I can’t change the circumstances. I give up. It’s an exhausting situation, one that I can’t change. I am just drifting into sleep when I hear the key go into my door.
Shit, he came.
Chapter 12
I jump up and then I jump back onto the bed. Oh, crap, should I pretend to be asleep? I jump up again, no asleep. I lie back down. I flick my lamp on and I hear him put his keys onto my foyer table and walk towards my bedroom. My heart is in my throat. It is then I feel the intensity of his presence. His body is radiating heat like kryptonite, my body instantly weakening to its strength and softening under his gaze. I roll over and we stare at each other in silence, tension hanging thick in the air. I hold my hand up to him and he takes it and sits next to me on my bed in silence.
“Stop thinking so much, baby,” I whisper.
“No,” he answers. “You are not thinking enough presh. This is wrong, Natasha. We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Josh, if it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?” I kiss the back of his hand. He closes his eyes at the contact. “Why did you leave the other night without saying goodbye, Josh?” He drops his head.
“I had a 5.30 am flight to Melbourne, and my brothers are here, remember.” I smile a sad smile and nod. That’s right, I had forgotten that.
I pull bac
k the covers. “Come and lie with me.”
His eyes scan my body and he smiles a crooked smile. “I thought I told you to throw out the flannelette pyjamas.”
I smirk back. “They’re snuggly. I have a good mind to buy you some so we could be matching.” He smiles and lies down next to me fully dressed.
“Are you wearing jeans to bed?” I ask.
“No, I’m not staying,” he answers.
My heart drops. “Why aren’t you staying, Josh?”
“Tash, sshh stop it. I’m here because you asked me to come. I don’t want to fight.” I nod as I cuddle him and start to run my fingers through his hair. He relaxes into my arms. I feel him gently kiss my neck as he leans into me.
“Can you stay with me tonight? No sex,” I whisper.
“No sex,” he repeats.
I shake my head. “Josh I don’t want to be with you just for sex…even though the sex is awesome.”
“Awesome,” he smiles as he raises his eyebrows.
“What do you want to be with me for, Tash?” I stay silent as I try to think of the right answer. I know the answer to this question is important to him. I can feel it.
“I’ve missed you, Josh. Just being with you makes me feel better. I can’t explain it. You are my medicine and you calm me. When you’re with me, I can stop worrying.” He nods as if he understands and snuggles deeper into my neck.
“Just hold me baby,” I whisper. “Don’t leave me again tonight. I can’t bear it.” I gently stroke my fingers through his hair and up and down the length of his neck and gently kiss his forehead. I can feel his body relax. I feel that he too is suffering from inner turmoil and that he also feels better just having me near. I haven’t truly relaxed since I was in his arms on Sunday night, and it feels good. It feels like home. Truer words have never been spoken—he is my medicine and just having him near makes me feel better. I continue to run my fingers through his hair and down his neck. His regular breathing notifies me that he has drifted off to sleep—he must be exhausted. He’s so tired. Has he not been sleeping well either? A tingle of unease runs through my body as I realise that the man I have with me tonight is a different man to the one I met on Sunday night. The Sunday night man was dominant and confident and in control of his emotions. The man asleep in my arms is gentle and broken and I feel a surge of protective instinct for him. This is the beautiful Josh I remember. The one I fell in love with. He obviously has two very distinct sides to his personality. One strong and one weaker, as we all do I suppose. I myself have two sides: I am strong in every part of my life except when it comes to him.
I wake with a start as the pain in my arm throbs; it’s gone to sleep. I must have fallen asleep. Josh is still out cold and asleep in my arms. I smile and gently kiss his forehead again. I slowly peel myself out from under him and head to the bathroom. En route to the kitchen I walk past the foyer and see his phone and keys on my side table. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it I walk over and pick up his phone and swipe it on. It’s unlocked. Shit. I look around, I shouldn’t be doing this. I feel like a naughty kid. I go to his messages, the last message he sent being:
10.45 to Ben: I’m at my girl’s.
