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A new wave of sickness crashed through my system. It was something I would not, could not ever forget. And to have the added images of Thomas lying on an examination table now? My breath came out in shudders. I finally forced my gaze upward and stared at the young man who could so easily deduce the impossible, and yet miss the simple and obvious before him.
“I am so close to breaking, Thomas,” I said, body trembling. “So close to losing myself. I don’t even know if I can study forensic medicine anymore.”
Thomas blinked as if I’d spoken so quickly and obscenely that his brain hadn’t quite caught up to my words. He opened his mouth, then shut it, shaking his head. His gaze was as tender as his tone when he finally found the right words.
“You are grieving, Audrey Rose. Grief doesn’t equate breaking. You are rebuilding after something… destructive. You’re coming back stronger.” He swallowed hard. “Is that what you believe? That you’re irreparable?”
I wiped my face with the cuff of my dress. “Why did you lie on that table? I need the truth this time.”
“I… I thought…” Thomas bit his lip. “I thought confronting your fear might be beneficial. Might… assist you so you’re… performing at your best. We only have a few more weeks. Competition will become fierce. I thought you’d appreciate my effort.”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. Did you not think of what that might do to me?”
“I thought you’d be a little… annoyed, but mostly pleased. I imagined you… laughing, actually,” he said. “I didn’t really think it entirely through, though. I see where I might have offered my assistance in a more… productive way. Perhaps this was a time for emotional support.”
“Oh? You’re only now deducing that it was a time for emotional support? How could you think I’d laugh over such a thing? To lose you—that would be the furthest thing from amusing I could ever imagine.”
His gaze flashed with ill-timed mischief. “Are you finally admitting I’m irreplaceable in your heart, then? It’s quite overdue, if you ask me.”
“Pardon?” I stood there, nearly agape, blinking. He wasn’t taking this seriously. I was going to murder him. I was going to shred him into a thousand pieces and feed him to the giant wolves prowling the woods. I lifted my face and could have sworn a growl ripped itself from my throat. Even though I didn’t make a sound, my expression must have promised blood.
“It was a joke! Still not the time for levity, I see that now.” Thomas stumbled back, shaking his head. “You’ve had quite a shock… my fault, naturally. But—”
I marched up to him, eyes narrowed as I brought my mouth close to his. Etiquette and decency and all of that damned polite society nonsense I was supposed to care about forgotten. I placed my hands flat against his chest and pushed him toward the wall, pinning him there. Though I hardly had to touch him to keep him in place—he seemed quite content with our current position.
“Please, Audrey Rose. I’m hopeless and cannot apologize enough.” Thomas reached for my face, extending his hands until they were nearly on my skin, stopping when he registered the glare I leveled at him.
“Do not treat me as if you know what’s best for me.” I paused, trying to unravel my own feelings and determine why I’d reacted so strongly. “My father tried caging me, protecting me from the outside world, and this is my first true experience with freedom, Thomas. I’m finally making my own choices. Which is both terrifying and thrilling, but I need to know I’m capable of fighting some battles alone. If you truly want to help, then simply be there for me. That is all I require. No more experiments in helping me deal with my trauma. Or talking with professors about my emotional state or constitution. You undermine me when you do so. I will not tolerate such actions.”
“I’m sorry about that, too, Wadsworth.” The deep regret in his gaze told me he meant it. “You are, and have always been, my equal. I am so ashamed I’ve acted in a way that’s made you feel otherwise.” He inhaled deeply. “Would you… is it all right if I explain?”
“There’s more to this idiocy?”
I stared, unblinking. Thomas had done plenty of ridiculous things before, but this was by far the worst. He had to have known it was not only reopening a fresh wound—it was tearing both it and my soul apart at once. I allowed ice to coat my entire being.
He released a shuddering breath, as if he could feel the coldness spreading out from me.
“In my mind, when I thought about how you’d feel if you were to find me here in such a way, I thought you’d… laugh. Feel relieved your worst fears had proven false. That the only thing you had to fear was my horrible attempts to assist you.” His hand lifted to his forehead. “I’m losing my touch with deducing the obvious. Seems exactly what it is now: the worst idea known to mankind. I told you I have no formula for you. I also have no comprehension of women, it seems. Or perhaps it’s people in general I don’t understand. I can see how my brand of humor might not reflect the general populace.”
Muscles in my cheeks wanted to twitch at the gross understatement, but I didn’t have enough energy left to smile.
“It’s just… sometimes when I’m afraid or lost, I try to find the humor. Break the tension. It always helps me to laugh, and I was hoping it might help you, too. I truly am sorry, Audrey Rose. I was completely in the wrong in discussing your emotional state with Radu.”
“Yes, you were.”
Thomas nodded. For a moment it appeared as if he might break down and fall to his knees, but he soldiered on. “My blunder had nothing to do with a lack of faith in you. I simply didn’t trust Radu to not incessantly inquire about Jack the Ripper. I kept imagining him inadvertently hurting you, and I knew I’d want to murder him. I know you do not require protecting, yet I struggle with wanting to make you happy.”
He took a deep breath; apparently there was more.
“In Radu’s class… afterward I kept seeing your face. The light vanishing and that desolate nothingness snapping back. It felt like we were standing back in the laboratory the night he died. And the worst part? I knew it was something I could have prevented. If I’d tried harder. If I wasn’t terrified of losing you.” Thomas covered his face, breath ragged. This time, tears dripped over his chin. “I don’t know how to fix this. But I promise to do better. I—”
“There was nothing you could have done that night,” I said gently.
It was something I’d known myself for a while, but it didn’t prevent my mind from returning to that scene and replaying it over and over, searching for a different ending to the story. I reached over and tenderly took Thomas’s hand in my own. I was still upset with him, but my anger was tempered by perspective. He was still alive. We could leave this behind and grow. Neither time nor death had stunted us yet.
He swallowed hard, throat bobbing, as he stared down at our joined hands. “Please forgive me.”
“I—”
