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“Speaking of that… what of the Moonlight Carnival?” She hesitated a moment. “How are Mephistopheles and Houdini?”
“They both bid you farewell.” I was impressed by how smooth my voice sounded, though my heart was another matter. I kept my expression neutral as I inspected her for signs of disappointment. I personally believed Mephisto should be sent to the opposite end of the continent until he worked out his issues, but if she was upset by his absence… “Mephistopheles sends his apologies—and two tickets to their next show, free of charge.” Her grin was hard to decipher. “He and Houdini said we won’t want to miss what they’re working on, it’s going to be—”
“Spectacular?” she supplied, that same sardonic look upon her face. I had no idea if she was covering up any sadness, or if she was truly all right with the ringmaster’s swift departure, but I laughed anyway.
“For their sake, I hope so. They’ve got to find something to distract from the multiple murders committed by their famed fortune-teller. Though, knowing Mephisto, he’ll find a way to work with it. Infamy is a draw for most. We’re all fascinated by the macabre. Must be our dark, twisted human souls.”
“I’m glad it’s over,” she said. “I sincerely hope the families are at peace.”
I nodded, but she was lost to her private thoughts, leading me to wonder once more just how much she might have preferred to choose a different path for herself.
“Liza!” She jerked forward, wincing, then slumped back, jolting me out of my worries. “Where is she? Is she all right? Please, please tell me she’s alive. I cannot bear it.”
I motioned for her to lean forward and moved her pillows to better prop her up. I gently pushed her back, meeting no resistance from her as she lay against them. Some of the strain eased from the lines around her mouth. “She’s all right. Andreas drugged her and had her chained in his rooms. But she’s recovering. Much faster than you.”
She released a breath, slumping further against the pillows. “I’m not worried about me.”
Of course, she wasn’t. She never worried about herself. I counted to twenty. “But I am. There’s something else you should know… about your injury.” I would rather be raked over hot coals than deliver this news. I stared down at my useless hands. I’d been bound and unable to block that bloody knife. “You’ll be able to walk, though it’s possible you’ll have a permanent limp. There’s no way of determining how it will heal.”
And I feared it would forever remind her of a terrible decision she’d made. A sudden, overwhelming bout of guilt rose in me. I choked it down. The air seemed to thicken. I went to pull at my collar, to ease the fear that kept raking its claws down my throat. Maybe she would forever associate my presence with her injury. Maybe the very sight of me was troubling. My life began and ended in the few heartbeats it took for her to respond. She smiled tentatively.
“The price of love doesn’t come cheaply,” she said. “But the cost is worth it.”
I shot up from my seat, unable to keep my emotions in check anymore, and let go of her hands. If I didn’t leave now, I’d only make this harder. Love should never, ever cost someone something. It should be a free exchange. What happened—she almost destroyed herself for me. I was not worth all that.
“You ought to rest now.” I couldn’t meet her green-eyed inquisitive gaze, though I felt it on me like a physical blow. “Your uncle will be in soon to discuss travel arrangements. And I know Liza has been stomping around outside, too.”
I moved swiftly across the room before I lost the nerve to do so.
“Thomas…” she said, her voice soft, hurt. “What—”
“Rest, Wadsworth. I’ll return again soon.” I grabbed my hat and overcoat, needing to be outside with the frigid wind clearing my thoughts. It took all of my collective will, but I managed to exit the room without turning back. She needed to be rid of me—I was like a slow-moving toxin, corrupting her slowly over time. Leaving was the most unselfish action I’d ever taken, and it felt miserable.
Dragon knob
Five
FIRST CLASS PROMENADE
RMS ETRURIA
9 JANUARY 1889
I gripped the railing, ignoring the bite from the near-freezing temperature of the metal, and concentrated on counting each passenger that disembarked. I’d gotten to fifty-two before stealing a glance at Audrey Rose. Her attention was stubbornly fixed on the crowd below, the muscle in her jaw as tense as her stance. I wanted to wrap her in my arms, to press myself against her, inhaling her floral scent and kissing her until she returned to me from that cold and distant place she’d retreated to. But I wanted her to choose her path—Mephisto or me—without interference.
Even if it killed me.
Her breath caught and my resolve to give her space broke. “I’ll be with you again soon enough, Wadsworth. You won’t even know I’m gone.”
I held still, waiting for her to deny it. To call me foolish. To demand I stay. She didn’t. Instead, “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”
“The fact remains I am needed here, in New York, as your uncle’s representative.” I inhaled deeply and forced myself to keep staring at the passengers. I needed to let go. “I will join you as soon as I can.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tear streak over her cheek.
My resolve slipped.
She angrily swiped it away, leaving me to guess her exact emotions.
