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“It would be nice to hear, though. For the sake of proving myself correct, of course.”
I sighed, but relented. “It’s… I find it’s much easier to be brave when it comes to trusting my mind. I know what I’m capable of. What I can improve upon. Learning and making mistakes doesn’t terrify me—it… I’m not sure. It fuels me, I suppose. But love? Letting go and falling completely petrifies me. When I’m vulnerable I feel as though my stomach has plummeted through my knees and the world is spinning out of control. Unlike science and mathematics, there are no formulas I can use to create an absolute outcome. Falling is chaos.”
“It scares you even knowing I’m right there beside you?”
“I believe that scares me more. It terrifies me to think of you loving me as much as I love you. What happens when either one of us dies? We work in death nearly every day. I’ve lost so many people I’ve loved—losing you, sometimes if I think about it I’m unable to breathe. If I open myself up to loving you, to falling completely and without hesitation, I fear what may happen. Not from something you or I do, but life. It feels much safer to be insulated from that.”
“Nothing in life comes with a guarantee, Wadsworth.” Thomas took a deep breath. “Outside forces will always be out of your control. One thing you can control is how you choose to live. If you wake up fearful of every bad thing that might happen, you miss out on the good. Death will come for us all one day. Worrying about tomorrow only accomplishes ruining today.”
He rolled onto his side and held my hand against his heart.
“Love is immortal. Death can neither touch nor steal it. Especially when it’s true. Let’s add another promise to our tally,” he said. “Promise me to wake each day and find joy wherever you can, no matter how small it may be. There will always be hard times and trying times and times for sorrow, but we won’t let those days destroy the here and now. Because right now? I’m here.” He kissed the top of my head. “And you’re here.” He pressed his lips to my knuckles. “And the present is more glorious than the future and all of its unknowns.”
“How have you not figured out a formula for love yet?” I teased.
“Have you no faith in my mighty brain? Of course I’ve worked out an equation only for us.” Thomas smiled. “My love for you will be a constant in a sea of unknown variables. We may fight or be cross with each other, but our love will never fade or wilt. Trust in that. Trust in us. Forget the future. Forget worry. The only thing that terrifies me is the possibility of living with regret. I don’t ever want to wake and wonder what life could have been like with you in it. I don’t ever want to regret holding myself back from loving you as fully and openly as possible.”
He searched my eyes and part of me wished to fall into the depth of adoratio
n I saw within his expression and swim in the feeling forever.
“Unless you’ve changed your mind…” He quickly looked down. “I—”
“Thomas, never—” I tilted his chin up until our eyes met and held. “I love you. Now and always.”
Before he could doubt or argue it, I kissed him. A few moments later we were exploring our newest form of silent communication, and the rest of the world and worry faded away. We celebrated our love until the sun rose and we could no longer risk being wrapped in each other’s arms. In a few short hours we’d officially become husband and wife.
Then we could stay in bed for eternity.
Thomas reluctantly got up and pulled his trousers on, his hair mussed in a way that had me checking the clock to be sure we couldn’t linger for a little while longer. He caught the look in my eye and beamed. “You are an absolute fiend, Miss Wadsworth. It’s a good thing you’re making an honest man out of me soon. My reputation is in tatters. If you keep gazing at me that way, we’re never going to make it down the aisle.”
“You adore it,” I said, slipping my arms into my robe and sliding out of bed. “And I love you.” I pulled him to me and kissed him properly. “Now, go. I’ll see you in church soon.”
He stared at my robe, his gaze declaring all sorts of trouble as he leisurely took me in.
“I’m sure we can make time… all right! All right, I’m going.” Thomas paused, his fingers tapping the door as he openly admired me one last time. “Do you remember when I teased you about getting you to church?” I nodded, thinking back to our first case together. He smiled, that boyish, vulnerable smile. “After I said it, I’d never hoped for something more.”
My heart felt ready to burst at the seams. Perhaps we could steal a few more moments…
An hour later, Thomas finally crept from my room, whistling quietly as he left me to get some sleep. We’d both need to be up soon to prepare for our day. The next time I saw him would be at the end of an aisle, when we began a new chapter.
One where we wrote our own rules from now until forever.
I slid back between the covers, convinced I’d never be able to sleep, and fell into an immediate and deep slumber. A lovely dream began—a preview of our upcoming nuptials. I was dressed in my wedding gown, my veil trailing like a cloud behind me.
The young man waiting at the altar was dressed in black. From his midnight suit to his shadowy form. Even up to the tips of his twisted horns, gleaming like twin obsidian blades.
My blood prickled. That wasn’t…
I thrashed about, trying to wake myself. The man waiting for me had no face, no discernible features other than the horns on his head. In my dream I began trembling, the bouquet of roses I held pricking my hands. Blood dripped on my dress and onto the ground, mixing with the petals already strewn there. He didn’t speak or move; he simply waited. Silent. Foreboding. Radiating menace. I dug my heels into the smooth marble of the chapel. But it was no use. I was pulled to him as if he were a magnet tugging me closer against my will.
He was only a silhouette, but I recognized who he was. Our destinies seemed fated for this moment. As if we’d been set upon this course our whole lives and all of my choices leading up to this had been mere fiction for his amusement. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t.
It was the first night I dreamed of the devil, and I feared it wouldn’t be the last.
Newspaper article, circa. 1893
SEVENTEEN
