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I felt like someone had jammed their shoulder directly into my sternum. I thought I might have trouble breathing, but luckily, the pain was completely emotional. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You do it with everyone in your life. Do you really think Holli will kick you into the street? No, of course you don’t really think that, but the thought makes it easier to hold her at arm’s length rather than trust that she loves you and would never treat you that way. When people care about you, you get scared. It’s why you’ve never had a serious relationship before. And you’re doing it to me now.” He looked so... wounded.
He swallowed, and his voice sounded painfully dry when he spoke again. “You knew I would be furious with you over something like this.”
“You are furious,” I pointed out. My vision got all wavy. No. I was not, under any circumstances, going to start crying.
Why? Because then he’ll see you’re vulnerable? And he’ll know he’s someone worth crying over?
Oh god. He was right. He was completely right.
“Yes. I’m incredibly angry with you right now. But I’m not stupid, Sophie, and neither are you. You knew you should have told me what was happening at Porteras, but you were too afraid to admit that you might care about me more than you care about your job!” He paused, clearly frustrated. “I love you. If you had come to me and told me this was going on, I wouldn’t have prevented you from leaving the company to work for Gabriella again. I wouldn’t have liked it, but I wouldn’t have stopped you. I trust you to do what’s right for you. You can trust me to do what’s right for you, too.”
That made the tears start flowing. Damnit.
He came over and took me in his arms, and I didn’t resist him. He held me and let me cry all over his shirt that had probably cost more than my rent. He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t want you to go to home tonight.”
“I don’t want to go home, either.” I buried my face against his chest and gratefully accepted the tightening of his arm around me. “I hate fighting with you.”
“We’ll get past this. It will still be a sore spot for me, for a while, but we will get past it. Just promise me that you won’t let Gabriella suck you in again. You deserve better than the way she treated you.” He paused. “Make sure you get anything she offers in writing. Benefits, salary, bonuses—”
“Neil?” I said gently, looking up. “I’m sorry. It’s very difficult for me not to—”
“Meddle?” I laughed through my tears.
He sighed. “I was going to say help you avoid major mistakes.”
“I don’t want to avoid major mistakes. This is my life. I only have one chance to live it, and I’d like to be the one in the driver’s seat. I love you. But I don’t want you to live my life for me.”
At least he had the sense to look remorseful.
I knew what I was going to say next before I fully committed to saying it. I had never bared my feelings so honestly to anyone before. But I had to. It was crucial that Neil know how important he was to me, especially now that I had totally fucked him over. And especially now that I knew I’d done it on purpose to push him away.
“I want you to live my life with me,” I finished, and I felt like my heart was going to leap from my throat, I was so scared. This completely contradicted the “safe relationship path” chart I had drawn up in my head, but I didn’t care.
He took a breath. I couldn’t read the emotions that crossed his face. Finally, he simply smiled and said, “I want the same thing, Sophie.”
“Good.” That helped ease some of the sick feeling. “I’m really sorry for not telling you.”
“I know you didn’t do it to deliberately hurt me.” He released me and stepped back. “You did it because you were protecting yourself. It might not seem so to you, but there is a world of difference between the two. I’m angry and hurt, and I’m not entirely forgiving you at this moment, but knowing why you did it helps.”
“And I can appreciate why you fired me.” Ow, it stung a bit to say it now. The shock was wearing off.
We sat together on the couch in silence for a while, both of us clearly unhappy with how the day had gone, both of us desperately wanting to make it all different, without really knowing how.
“I have to call Rudy,” Neil said suddenly, forcing some cheerfulness into his voice. “This may take a while. But why don’t we go out tonight? Emma is going to be busy with horrible Michael. You and I could go see a movie or have dinner out. Anything from sitting around and stewing about this.”
