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“I know.” He looked to the flickering gas flames in the fireplace, and the tiny points of light made the thin rim of tears on his lower lids glisten. “I’d rather think of my practical Sophie selling them, than my actual Sophie clinging to the only tangible memory I left her. And perhaps I am casting you in a role there, but you have to allow me that fantasy. When I think of dying, I think of how hurt you’ll be, how hurt Emma and Rudy and m-my mother... I know you would be shattered. But I need to pretend that you won’t be.”
I put an arm around his back and leaned my head on his shoulder. “You’re tired. Let’s get you upstairs.”
I wasn’t tired, but I had to be away from Neil at the moment. If he needed the fantasy that it wouldn’t matter to me when he died, then I would give it to him. But I wasn’t a good enough actress for the part, yet. I got him settled in and snuggled down with him. He tried to make a bit of conversation, but I shut him down. “I love you, baby. But I’m still really mad at you. Can we just... not? Can we just lay here and remember why we love each other?”
“I think that’s an exceptional idea.”
When he was asleep, I slipped from the bed and put my clothes back on. I went down to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. Then I went to the liquor cabinet and found something good to drink.
It was going to be a long night.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Unable to summon up the enthusiasm to produce another video, I found myself in the study, wrapped in a cashmere throw, glass of whiskey in my hand. It was my third, actually, and I was reeling from the effects. I had a book open in my lap, but even The Mists of Avalon couldn’t draw me out of my thoughts. I just stared into the fireplace, at the little gas flames there, and listened to the loud tick of the clock on the mantel.
“Sophie?”
I turned, and gave the room a second to catch up. “Hey, Emma. Everything okay with your mom?”
“Not as such.” She came in, swinging her arms slightly, the sleeves of her cardigan pulled down over her hands. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. After all of that.”
“I am.” I sat up and brought my legs down, so there was room on the couch. “I told your dad that I didn’t want any of your money. He won’t listen to me, of course, but I think I got him to come down in price a bit.”
Emma nodded, her shrewd eyes narrowing a little. “I hope you don’t think that matters to me. I don’t think you’re after my dad’s money.”
“Well, that’s three people in the world who feel that way.” I knew it wasn’t polite of me to indulge in my self-pity, but I was drunk and tired and feeling generally wretched. “I’m sorry. I just feel so completely alone here.”
“You’re not completely alone. You’ve got dad,” Emma said with a surprising amount of sympathy. “Is everything all right between you two?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine with us. It’s just... there is so much stuff that’s bothering me that I can’t talk about with anyone. My best friend and I used to talk all the time, but she’s in this new relationship, and her career is taking off, and the time zones... we just seem to miss each other’s calls. I’m really starting to be afraid that the best part of my life ended three months ago.” I snorted. “I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear about all this.”
“No, it’s all right,” she said quickly. “It’s nice to talk to you, even if it is because you’re drunk.”
I looked down at my glass and frowned. “Oh. Well, you caught me. But you could talk to me any time. I just thought you wanted me to keep my distance.”
“Maybe I did, in the past, but I don’t know. I’ve always felt like you were... not resentful of me, but perhaps slightly inconvenienced by my existence. I got the feeling that you didn’t like me around.” She paused. “Like I made you uncomfortable somehow.”
“You made me uncomfortable?” That absolutely flabbergasted me. “No, Emma. I felt like I was making you uncomfortable. Because your dad was dating me, and we’re the same age, and the way we first met—”
“In hindsight, that’s quite funny.” She shook her head. “Or at least, Michael tells me it is.”
I laughed. “I have no problem with you at all. I actually like you, a lot. I don’t know how you’re getting through all this without totally freaking.”
“I was going to say the same about you. If it were Michael who was so sick...” she did a full body shiver. “Look, I think we’ve both had enough grim contemplation for one night. How about a midnight swim?”
