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Maybe it was because we’d viewed married or engaged versions of ourselves as being boring and restricted—I know that’s how I’d envisioned myself. And I’d always had this idealistic view about not getting married. The wedding, the dress, the honeymoon, all of that had been beneath me in the picture of independent, successful Sophie that I had begun painstakingly constructing in college.
Had I taken a sledgehammer to that construction? Getting married to Neil—hell, just moving in with him—had definitely taken down some walls, but they hadn’t been structural supports. I was still Sophie, just like Holli was still Holli. Being with our respective partners didn’t make us any more or any less.
So, if getting married was a total non-issue, why was I so up in my head about it? Probably because it was new and exciting and, truth be told, a little scary. But I usually dug exciting and a little scary where Neil was concerned.
I’d always assumed that when you loved someone and you wanted to marry them, that was that. If it was this complicated, was I really ready to do it?
My phone rang as I stepped out of the elevator. I juggled my purse to answer it as I entered the security code and slipped my key into the lock. Holli was on the other end.
“Okay, so, are you freaking out?” she asked in lieu of a hello. “Because I’m freaking out.”
“What are we supposed to be freaking out about here? Because I might be freaking out, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.” In the foyer, I dropped my purse and coat on the floor and headed directly to the library.
“The whole getting married thing. Sophie, I have no clue what I’m doing.” Her voice trembled. “Is this… If I feel like this, then it’s probably not the right decision, huh?”
“I don’t think that’s true.” I went to the antique secretary where I kept my laptop, and I opened the lid as I dropped into my chair. “This is a major life change. I think it would be stupid of us not to have some serious considerations.”
I typed wedding, cold feet into the search bar.
“Are you Googling this, Sophie?” Holli asked with an annoyed “tch.” “I don’t think this is a Googleable thing.”
“Aha! ‘Cold Feet or Something More?’ It’s an article, and we are going to read it right now.” I leaned forward and squinted at the screen. “Okay. Apparently…it’s totally normal to have cold feet, blah blah… Okay, right here: ‘Many couples experience symptoms of anxiety, including increased bickering and diminished sex drive.’ Is that going on with you two?”
“No, things are better than ever. It’s like those damn rings have sex powers or something.” Holli paused so I could continue.
“‘While it’s normal to interpret every spat over household chores as an omen, remember that you’re both moving into an exciting new chapter of your lives together. Talk to your guy; he might be feeling the same way.’”
“‘Your guy?’ Are you giving us relationship counseling out of Cosmo? Because so help me—”
“It’s not Cosmo, it’s some Wedding Belles blog. I think it’s for Southern brides, but a lot of this still applies.” I scanned the text. “Oh. That’s not good.”
“What’s not good?” Holli shrieked.
“Well, there’s a list of reasons why you should call off an engagement. Do you want to hear them?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear them.
“I don’t know?” Holli sounded as panicked as I felt. “Wh-what if there’s stuff on there that applies to us? What happens then?”
“I don’t know. I guess we…don’t get married?” The thought of it crushed my heart, like it was being sucked out of a tiny breech in an airlock in a space movie. “Or, not. I mean, it’s a blog, right? It’s not like if we read it, we’re doomed to unhappiness forever. Nobody gives a shit about blogs.”
“Not even a little,” she agreed. “But what if we don’t read them? After all, neither of us planned to get married. We’re probably just freaking out because we changed our minds, or whatever.”
“But it might be nice to know—”
“No, it won’t,” Holli stated firmly. “Look, do you think there is going to be anything on that list that’s going to make you love Neil less? Because I’m pretty sure there won’t be anything on that list that’s going to make me fall out of love with Deja.”
“Okay. You have a point,” I conceded. “We’re just being crazy.”
“This is terrifying, though. I mean, I just moved in with her in September. And things are going great, but—” She broke off with a sigh. “You know, it’s just so grown-up and official. I’m only twenty-five. The rest of my life is a long time.”
“It might not be,” I reminded her. “It almost wasn’t for me and Neil. And I feel like kind of an asshole. This time last year, I would have given anything for some kind of future with Neil. Now he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I’m doubting something that I desperately wanted before?”
I imagined Holli nodding sagely as she said, “You know, we’re totally fucked up.”
“We are,” I agreed. “I’m so glad we talked each other off the ledge.”
After we hung up, I sat with my finger hovering over the track pad. Holli was right. There was nothing on that list that would make me not want to marry Neil. So there was no sense in even looking.
But I bookmarked it just in case.
