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"That's easy for you to say," Vivian shot back.
"Oh, baby." Esmé sounded contrite. "We'll soon be up in Vermont. It'll be better there. You'll be able to get more fresh air."
"Instead of being 'the secret in the upstairs room,' you mean?"
"Oh, have it your own way," Esmé snapped, and Vivian heard her retreat downstairs.
A tapping on her window frame made her start. What do they want now? she thought angrily, and turned to tell the boys to get lost.
Gabriel stood outside.
She ran to the window and tried to close it, but with one hand and little effort he stopped her. His eyes were dark stars, his expression unreadable.
"Once upon a time," he said in a voice that was velvet thunder, "I killed the girl I loved."
Chapter 30
30
Vivian backed away from the window, afraid to take her eyes from Gabriel's face.
He ripped out what was left of the screen with one fierce yank. "I've never told anyone before, but I've come to tell you." He climbed into her room.
"Say what you came to say," Vivian demanded, her heart pounding. The faster he did the faster he would leave.
Gabriel looked around and stroked his lower lip thoughtfully with his thumb. He sat on her bed. The springs creaked in protest as he propped himself up against her pillows and stretched out his legs. He was too large for her room; his occupation of her bed too intimate. Vivian pulled the neck of her robe closer together.
"When I was first out in the world," he said, "I met a dancer in a bar. She was out of place there - too educated, too sensitive - but she had fallen on hard times. She needed someone to protect her from the guys who came on too strong. I loved to watch her dance. She was lithe and beautiful, but there was something fragile about her because, of course, she couldn't change. Just looking at her made me feel large and powerful. This excited me."
Vivian lowered herself into her desk chair. This story annoyed her.
"I couldn't keep away from the bar," Gabriel said. "The girl became my obsession. I would have done anything for her. I was surprised at how quickly I won her, because I thought she was too good for me. We became lovers and I was the happiest I had ever been. She was gentle and enthusiastic, and I believed I satisfied her, but there was always something missing for me. That feeling tormented me but I couldn't put my finger on the cause."
Vivian remembered how Aiden was always still kissing when she wanted him to bite. "I don't want to hear this," she interrupted, blushing.
Gabriel gave a short, humorless laugh. "No doubt you don't, but you will."
Vivian sighed and shut up.
Gabriel continued. "I found, however, that if I changed only the tiniest bit while we made love I had more pleasure. I thought that perhaps I felt guilty for keeping the truth of what I was from the woman I loved, and that by changing I was being more honest without actually telling her. But it became harder and harder for me not to change all the way when we were in bed together."
Up to now, Gabriel had stared straight at Vivian with a solemn intensity, but now his gaze went beyond her as if looking into the past.
"Then, one night, I went too far and I couldn't turn back." The muscles in his arms tightened and bulged as he clutched the sheets. His voice became harsh. "In the midst of a kiss, she pulled away from me and cried in terror. It was unbearable. I should have understood her fear but logic had fled. Here was my true self and she hated me. I was ashamed to scare her, crushed and angry that she rejected me. I shook her while I still had arms. 'It's only me,' I cried. 'I love you.' But my mouth had lost the shape for speech.
"She screamed and called me a filthy beast. Her words ripped me to the soul. The room flamed red. I hit her."
Gabriel closed his eyes. "One of our own could have taken that blow."
Vivian watched the rise and fall of his chest as he struggled for control. Without realizing what she did, she rose and went to him.
When he opened his eyes and looked up at her, he appeared much younger than he had before. He's only twenty-four, Vivian remembered. It was his self-assurance that made him seem much older.
"I didn't mean to kill her," Gabriel said. His voice cracked.
Vivian recalled the fear on Aiden's face, and the despair she'd felt. She sank to the bed beside Gabriel. "I know, I know." She took him into her arms.
If she hadn't jumped out the window, she could have killed Aiden.
