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‘I lied to you about that day, Natalie. I did cover up for Brett. And for you. To save you from unnecessary pain. But it was not so much Brett’s fault that Ryan died. It was mine.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘NO.’ THE word welled up from deeply instinctive knowledge and burst from Natalie’s lips. She shook her head in absolute denial of Damien’s claim of guilt. ‘You wouldn’t have done anything to hurt a little boy. You wouldn’t have done anything to hurt Ryan. I don’t believe it.’
There was an agony of desperate desire in his eyes. ‘I was thinking of you. I never once considered the effect on Ryan. I wanted the whole unbearable charade to come to an end.’
‘You...me...Brett...my marriage to him. You wanted it to end?’
‘Yes.’ It was an explosive hiss of emotion. ‘Apart from your wedding night, and I couldn’t believe it of him then, I never covered up for Brett’s infidelities, Natalie. I wanted you to find him out. I wanted you to leave him. I wanted you to turn to me.’
‘But...you were Brett’s only friend.’
‘He didn’t love you. He didn’t deserve you.’ Damien smashed his fist into his other palm. ‘I felt like killing him every time he talked of having had some other woman. It killed me that you seemed oblivious to it all. That if you knew of it, you tolerated it, while my own love for you had to remain secluded, hidden and unfulfilled.’
‘I would never have
told you, Damien. What happens within a marriage is private.’
‘Private!’ He made the word sound like torture. ‘It was a public humiliation, a public joke. It ended up feeling like an albatross around my neck. I couldn’t come to you. Without breaching trust... honour...loyalty...call it what you will...I couldn’t do it. The only chance for us, Natalie, was for you to turn to me.’ His eyes glittered his determination. ‘So I set out to make that happen.’
‘You wouldn’t have meant any harm,’ she defended him.
‘Yes, I did. Not to Ryan. To Brett.’
‘It would never have turned out that way. I couldn’t turn to you. Not then.’
Natalie knew it would never have happened. To her way of thinking then, Damien had been no better than Brett. She’d despised the effect Damien had on her. She would have told herself that turning to Damien would have been akin to leaping out of the frying-pan into the fire. But Damien hadn’t known that.
‘I knew Brett wanted Anne Smith,’ he went on remorselessly. ‘All the more so because she had refused him. That didn’t happen very often with Brett.’
No, Natalie thought with bitter cynicism. Brett had had the looks and the body to turn most women on. If all they’d wanted was to know what it was like with him, Brett wouldn’t have left them in doubt.
‘I thought a weekend in close proximity would present an irresistible challenge to him. He’d try again, and I’d make damned sure you saw it. I imagined taking you into my arms...comforting you... making you realise...’ His hands lifted and fell in a contorted gesture of anguished appeal.
‘But I didn’t go,’ Natalie said flatly, all too heart-chillingly aware of why she hadn’t gone.
He shook his head as though his thoughts were too painful to dwell on. ‘I was counting on it so much...so much...’
He walked over to a sofa, paused, picked up a cushion, looked down at it, plucked at its roulade edging. ‘When Brett turned up at the camping site, there was only Ryan with him. You weren’t the only one who was sick, Natalie. I was so sick with disappointment, I wasn’t fair to Anne.’
He raised eyes that had emptied of all expression. ‘I liked her as a person. She was bright, easy company. I’d dated her a few times. But that weekend I didn’t give her the attention she had every right to expect. Nor could I give her what she wanted from me.’
‘You didn’t try to make love to her,’ Natalie supplied quietly.
He tossed the cushion aside, commenced walking towards her. ‘I offered only company.’ His mouth twisted savagely. ‘Not very good company. I paid more attention to Ryan. At least he was part of you.’
Yes, very much part of me, Natalie thought on a wave of desolation for how much she had lost when Ryan’s life had been cut so short.
‘I think it stung Anne’s pride,’ Damien went on in a weary, relentless tone. ‘And there was Brett, only too ready to take up the slack. I didn’t exactly throw her into Brett’s arms, but I might as well have done for all the difference it made.’
‘She had a choice, Damien. She knew Brett was married,’ Natalie reminded him.
Damien reached out, his hands resting on her shoulders. ‘Cause and effect, Natalie.’
‘He had our child with him,’ she said fiercely. ‘Didn’t she care about what my son would see and feel if she played Brett against you?’
She saw the blood drain completely from his face, leaving his skin sallow. ‘It was my fault. If I’d had sex with her...if I’d invited her company...or even had Ryan with me while I adjusted a new harness...’
