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“Except for the fact that she’s still coming to terms with the fact that I’m missing some key reproductive parts she’d been hoping for in your future person.” Canaan went headlong into that one, because he’d already guessed at that, and Renzo’s look when he mentioned the cousins having babies had confirmed it, as did his groan now.
“She likes you. Dad likes you, even. She’ll get over herself.”
“Yeah, but will you?”
“What do you mean?” Renzo easily navigated the highways toward base.
“I mean, before we talk about who’s maybe living where, maybe it might help to talk about what your ideal future would look like. Like your ten-year plan. Not your mom’s, but yours. You want a family?”
Renzo took forever answering, and when he did, his voice was soft. “I guess. It’s hard because I wanted someone, a home, that sort of thing. But I also know how often I deploy and that that might not be fair to the person or realistic either. Not many people want to sign up for long stretches of single parenting.”
“Forget fair for a minute. There’s tons of ways to have a family. And no matter who you choose to have that future with—”
“I really do want it to be you. I close my eyes and it’s you.” Renzo blushed deep red like this admission had cost him. Canaan’s chest swelled, emotions almost too much for him too.
“Same. And for what it’s worth, I’ve always wanted kids.” Saying the words aloud was hard, made his voice waver more than he liked. But if they were going to work out, then honesty was the only way forward, and that meant sharing his dreams, even the most deeply held ones that he’d never shared with another person before. Taking a breath, he steadied his voice. “Preferably while Grandpa is still alive to tell them stories and show them flowers and stuff.”
“You? Want kids?” Renzo’s head tilted.
“Yeah. I know. I’ll be the punk dad with the best hair at the playground. But yes, someday, I want that. And if it helps you—not your mom—but you to know that, you can also know that the ratio of who’s doing how much parenting doesn’t really factor into that goal of mine.”
“I’m over here trying not to laugh at the image of you with a diaper bag, but at the same time...” Renzo’s face softened. “I kinda want that future too. But maybe that’s getting too far ahead...”
“I don’t think so. I never used to be a long-term planning sort of guy. With the band I lived from gig to gig, never really looking ahead. But then Grandma died and I saw the value of having some goals. Like school. It helps me to think about the day when I’m actually a nurse to get through all the BS of classes and stuff. And I think this is kind of the same way. If we have a vision of the future that we kinda both want, maybe it’s easier to push through the hard parts to get there.”
He had to pause the monologue for Renzo to get his ID checked to get on base. But he was serious. He wanted his vision—the whole damn picture.
“I’m going to run up and grab my gym bag, but...” Renzo was blushing again, which was so fucking cute that Canaan really wanted to haul him in for a kiss. “I’m going to think about that. What the future could look like.”
“You do that. I’ll chill with my phone.” Getting a visitor into the barracks was a hassle, so Canaan just hung out for the few minutes it took before Renzo was back, duffel bag in tow.
“Okay.” Renzo took a deep breath as he started the truck again. “I thought about my dreams for the future. I’m definitely not living in the barracks forever. There’s a house. And you. And in my vision of that someday-in-the-future thing, you are a kickass nurse. I’m not really comfortable with any plan that has you giving up your schooling and that dream. The world needs more nurses like you, and I believe in you and your goals.”
Canaan’s chest went warm and tight. Renzo’s praise meant the world to him, would fuel him next time studying got hard. Like when they’d been climbing to the ledge, Renzo’s belief in him mattered.
“I’ll graduate in December with my associates in nursing. That’ll be enough to get me an RN job somewhere while I work on my BSN. That was always my plan—I do best with going slower with school and having a job too. And I can get licensed anywhere. There’s always going to be nursing jobs in my field. So yeah, that’s where the hard stuff comes into play. There’s not an easy way around needing to do long distance until December.”
