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“He’s not.” God, that hurt, her support now.
“He broke up with you because of the transfer?”
“No. He offered...” He punched his pillow before flopping on the bed. “Doesn’t matter now. But I guess I did the breaking up. I can’t ask him to give up his life here.”
“I get that.” Her voice was low, pitched to be sympathetic, but he couldn’t help but worry that maybe a part of her was relieved. “Besides, it’s only been what...two months total for you two? Not even that? That’s nothing to make rash decisions on.”
“Yeah—” He started to agree out of force of habit, then startled as a truth slammed into him. “Wait a second. Why are you preaching caution here? I’ve heard the stories. You and Dad were engaged six weeks after you met at that bakery. And that’s what, thirty-five years ago? You telling me you regret that?”
She sighed and there was a long pause before she answered. “No, of course not. I love your father. He’s a good man. Like you. Solid. Dependable. Building a life with him was the best thing I ever did. But it doesn’t work like that for most people.”
“But it does exist. You’re proof of love at first sight.” He’d always kind of admired their fairy-tale version of a chance meeting at a bakery turning into a whirlwind courtship.
“And don’t think love at first sight has been easy. It’s been a lot of hard work over the years. Falling in love with him was the simple part. Staying in love is the real challenge, and I’m just not sure you can be certain you’re up for that after only a few weeks.”
“And that’s why I’m letting him go. Not gonna ask him to do that sort of work. Not when he can find something else, something easier maybe.”
“You’re such a good guy, angel. Maybe you’ll find something...simpler too. Someday.”
He could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. His next visit home was likely to be filled with accidental visits from single friends-of-friends. Too bad he didn’t want that. He wanted Canaan. Wanted to do the work with him, not some nameless, faceless person he’d never met. He wanted the guy he’d fallen in love with.
Only problem was, he was convinced that loving Canaan meant letting him go, not asking him to sacrifice anything for Renzo. His conversation with Buddinger popped back into his head—his wife had left behind a successful modeling career to raise their family and deal with the frequent deployments. Renzo had been there the night she’d had their second kid—they’d been half a world away, Buddinger listening in by phone. Bullets, their medic, had stayed with him the whole time, reassuring him. Whole team had cheered when a healthy baby boy was announced. Now Curly was going to be in a similar situation, starting a family with no way to know when the team would go wheels up next. Every single military family sacrificed something.
“I don’t want to stop being a SEAL,” he said, more to himself than his mom.
“Of course not. It’s who you are—we’d never ask you to not, even when I’m worried sick about you out there, I know this was the right path for you. Canaan told your dad that he heard that you’ll probably make chief next year. They joked that you’ll probably make master chief before you retire.”
Renzo’s chest hurt at the memory of how Canaan had made his stoic, silent father laugh more than once. “Canaan said that?”
“He gets it, I think. Gets what I just said—this is who you are. And I’m sure that’s why he’ll understand your choice here. Maybe he’s hurt now, but I bet one day he understands.”
What if he didn’t? What if he always resented Renzo not being willing to take a chance? What if he remembered him being a coward who couldn’t even let Canaan say the words he most wanted to hear? For some reason, Renzo was hung up on being a good memory for Canaan. He wanted to be...special. Meaningful maybe. Because it sure as hell was meaningful and special for Renzo. He didn’t want to be alone in those feelings. And if he wasn’t, if Canaan got him, truly got him, in a way that maybe not even his mom did, what the hell was he doing letting him go?
“Yeah,” he said weakly. He wasn’t sure what else he said, just that he ended the call with a promise to talk again soon and to not mope too much. Ha. Good luck there. He was nothing if not a pile of regrets and longing. And if anything, his conversation with his mom had only made him that much more confused about what the right course of action was here for everyone.
Canaan hated work. Hated every single thing about Smoothie Palace that week. Well, maybe not Sage, who’d been nothing but sympathetic toward his black moods, but he hated the location. A lot. Hated all the minutes spent both hoping and dreading that Renzo would come in.
