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She linked her fingers with mine. “Your turn. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.”
Oh boy. I suppose I’d asked for this.
Looking up at the ceiling, I said, “Even though on a rational level, I know it wasn’t my fault, I often blame myself for the fact that my brother isn’t here. When you told me you’d read about his existence on the Internet, I was a little too gobsmacked to say all that much. I wanted to tell you more about it. But it’s hard for me to talk about—I really never have.”
I shut my eyes. “I’ll never get past the idea that my presence in the womb with him basically overwhelmed his system until he couldn’t survive. I often wonder what my life would have been like with a brother, you know? He might have wanted all the glory, all the responsibility of pleasing my parents, and I would’ve gladly let him take it. He might have eased some of the burden on me. His mere existence might have been my ticket out of Westfordshire. Or maybe I would’ve never wanted to leave him. He might have been my best friend. But I’ll never know.” I exhaled. “He’s part of the reason I’ve always felt this immense need to please my parents. Sometimes I wonder if God chose wrong.” I finally looked into her eyes. “So that’s my secret.”
She leaned in and kissed me, as if she wanted to take away the pain.
“I obviously hate that you feel that way, and I know it’s not always easy to believe people when they tell you it’s not your fault,” she said. “But I understand. We sometimes blame ourselves for things we have no control over. I often wonder whether my mother would be alive if she hadn’t had me. Did the pressure of having an illegitimate child while battling drugs push her over the edge? I’ll never know. But I think about things like that, too.”
I smiled. “Well, wherever your mother is, I’m certain she’s proud of her daughter.”
“Maybe not today after I let you fuck me on your living room floor.” She blushed. “But in general, yeah.”
“Actually, speaking of that, I really want to do it again right now in this bed,” I said, grinning like a fool. “But I think we should eat first because you’re going to need your energy.”
Felicity jumped when fireworks went off outside the window. “Jesus! I thought that was gunfire for a second. Forgot it was the Fourth of July. They sneak up on you.”
“The best things in life often do.” Isn’t that the truth? Felicity Dunleavy had rocketed into my world out of nowhere—turning my life upside down in the best possible way.
* * *
Felicity
Track 14: “Drunk in Love” by Beyoncé
How did Sunday get here so darn fast? I’d been living in a dream since I arrived at Leo’s house. Friday had been all about getting to know each other’s bodies—in multiple ways in multiple rooms and on multiple surfaces. The night went by in a sex-induced haze.
Then on Saturday, we ventured out of the house and went down to Newport for the day. I took Leo to see the famous mansions. We had dinner there and returned to Narragansett on the early side, because we were too horny to wait until later to have sex. I’d made a conscious decision not to drink this weekend because I wanted to be present for each of these precious moments with Leo.
But as I stood in the kitchen watching him fiddle with the coffeemaker on Sunday afternoon, the reality of everything washed over me. I’d fallen for this man, and he only had a matter of weeks left. Then I’d never see him again. That had always been the plan, but for some reason that harsh fact only hit me in waves, and this one wiped me out.
After he pressed start on the coffee, Leo walked over. His eyes held a clear affection that matched my own for him. In this moment I realized if I didn’t have a drink—and not the caffeinated one currently brewing—the pain would be unbearable. I needed to numb this. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t afford having my feelings escalate any further.
“You’ve fallen into a daze,” he said. “Is everything okay?”
“I think we should have some tequila.”
“Well, that was a very random response.”
“I know. But I’ve been good all weekend. I’m in the mood to get tipsy.”
It was going to take more than tipsy to forget my worries tonight.
He leaned down and spoke over my lips. “Are you trying to take advantage of me? You know you can do that without the alcohol, right?”
“I’ve never had drunk sex before. I think we should try it. You make me feel safe enough to let loose in that way.”
