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I fell onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a good long time. And then I did what I always do in times of crisis: I texted Jess. I went into the bathroom and hopped up onto the black marble vanity, and picked up my phone. It was still charging, so I left it tethered to the wall as I typed: Guess who I just met.
Her reply came just a few seconds later. With Fernando out of town and calling her constantly, her phone was never more than an inch away from her. Katy Perry. No wait: Former Governor Jerry Brown. Or no: that homeless guy downtown that’s always screaming about the dangers of canned ham. That’s it, I’m out of guesses.
I grinned and replied: Well, those were some excellent guesses. But surprisingly, they’re wrong.
She texted: Ok, so who was it, Mr. Suspense?
I just met Dmitri’s fiancé. Who, by the way, is also his cousin. I hit send. I would have loved to see the look on her face when she read that.
Predictably, the phone rang in my hand, and before I could even say hello, Jess yelled, “You are fucking shitting me! What the fuck? I mean, Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, who does that? Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks? That’s completely disgusting. Are they first cousins? Not that it matters, it’s gross no matter how far removed they are. I think I threw up in my mouth when I read that. And Dmitri seemed so normal! I mean, ok, he’s in the mafia, and that’s hardly normal. But you know what I mean. He really didn’t seem like an inbred cousin marrier! Wait, is it a mafia thing? Keeping it in the family, and all that? Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth again.”
“Are you finished?”
“I need a drink. And a barf bowl.”
“Jess, calm down so I can tell you what happened tonight.”
“Calm down? You drop that kind of bombshell on me and expect me to calm down?”
“I really shouldn’t have led off with the cousin thing,” I said, echoing Catherine’s words from earlier tonight.
Jess went on for another couple minutes about inbreeding and genetic defects and social mores, and the overall gross-out factor of the whole thing. And finally when she wound down, I gave her a concise summary of all things Catherine, including the arranged marriage, the threats to Dmitri’s family, and the potential danger to me. No point in sugar coating it. I wanted Jess to know the truth.
When I finished talking, there was silence on the other end of the line. I looked at the phone to see if it was still on, and then said, “Jess?”
“I’m here. Shit, Jamie. This all just took your fucked up situation to a whole new level.”
“I know.”
“What’re we going to do?” she asked. I liked that she said we.
“No clue.”
“Want me to come over?”
“Tomorrow, ok? I need some time to process all of this, and then we can try to figure out what to do.”
Jess asked, “Is Dmitri with you?”
“No, he’s still at the club. I’m at his house. I don’t even think he knows Catherine’s here.”
“You haven’t texted him?”
“No,” I said, “I’m trying to let him get through this shit he has to do tonight. I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”
“Ok,” Jess said, “So tomorrow, I’ll meet you at Dmitri’s place. Tell me the address.”
I told her, and she said, “I’ll be there midmorning. There’s a solution to this. We just have to find it.”
“Thanks, Jess. I love you so much.”
“Love you too, Jamie. If you need anything, text me.”
When I came out of the bathroom, Catherine was propped up on the mattress, scarfing the bag of potato chips. “How do you eat like that and still look like a supermodel?” I asked her as I sat on the foot of the bed.
“You think I look like a supermodel? God I love you,” she grinned. And then she added, “I have a freakishly high metabolism. Dmitri says I have the energy of ten thousand hamsters, whatever that means. Not that I always eat like this. This is stress-eating, because I’m so worried about you and my cousin.”
“Ah.”
She looked at me closely and said, “I’m wearing you out, aren’t I? I know I can be exhausting. Come here.” She patted the bed beside her. “Let’s put on a movie and chill until Dmitri gets home.”
“Ok.” I sat beside her and sunk into the pillows as I said, “Movies are always Dmitri’s go-to. He loves them. He made me watch a Star Wars marathon the night we met.”
“I know,” Catherine grinned. “He told me that. I was impressed that you not only didn’t run screaming when it became clear he could recite the entire movie from memory, but that you actually joined in and recited it with him.” She shot me a bright smile. “You’re as big a geek as he is. You’re perfect for each other.”
