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“No, he and his husband live in the Richmond now, by their place of business.” I’d said that for shock value, just to see how my dad would take it.
And he did pretty well. He knit his brows together, and really tried to take it in stride as he said, “Oh. So Jamie’s….”
“Also gay. He was my boyfriend for years.” I was pushing him, I knew that. I wanted to goad a reaction out of him. I didn’t trust this kinder, gentler Walter. I wanted him to expose himself for the homophobe that he was.
But all my father said was, “Oh. I never knew that.” He blinked repeatedly as he tried to process that information.
“Well no, of course not. I could never tell you, because I knew how you’d react if you ever found out I was gay.” I knit my brows and said, “Turns out, I was exactly right.”
“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.” It was the first time I’d ever heard him apologize to anyone for any reason. “I messed up. It really caught me off guard. I know I reacted badly, and I want to make amends.”
“I think it’s too late for that.”
He wasn’t done trying, though. And I realized all of a sudden that our entire relationship had shifted. I didn’t need him anymore. But he needed me. He was a mess, probably really lonely since my mother left him. That was really why he was here.
It was a weird concept, the idea of my father actually needing me.
And he said, “Charlie, I don’t blame you for being angry. I was an asshole. The worst kind of father, one who turns on his own kid.”
“Pretty much,” I muttered.
“C’mon. Give your old dad another chance. What do you say?”
I had lived my whole life trying to please my father. I had always felt that his love was something that needed to be earned, not something given unconditionally. All I’d ever wanted was for him to love me and be proud of me. It was why I pushed myself to excel in football – his favorite sport. It was why I’d tried hard in school. It was why I went to work for my uncle and his god-awful exterminator business. It was a big part of the reason why I’d tried to deny my sexuality, why I stayed in the closet so long, why I’d tried to make myself marry Callie.
And then the thing I’d always feared so much actually happened. I lost my father’s love and got kicked out of my home. And I not only survived it, I ended up thriving. It turned out I was so much stronger than I ever realized.
I studied the man before me carefully. I’d always been afraid of my father. He used to tower over me, he seemed big as a house when I was little. And when he yelled, it used to fill me with terror. I guess some part of me had continued to see him that way right into adulthood, as this huge, scary thing. But when I looked at him now, really looked at him, he was just an old man in worn out clothes that looked like he needed a long nap and a good meal. Despite myself, I felt sorry for him.
Unexpectedly, I found myself letting go of a lot of that hurt, that anger, and actually forgiving him. I could love my father unconditionally, even if he hadn’t been man enough to do the same for me.
“What you did to me wasn’t ok,” I said quietly. “But I love you, Dad. I always will, no matter what. I’m obviously not going to move back home, I’m a grown man and I stayed too long as it was. But if you want to try to be a part of my new life, well, I guess we could figure out how to make that work.”
“Yeah, ok.” His chin trembled for just a moment, and his eyes got a little moist. But he didn’t cry. It wasn’t something he was capable of.
This wasn’t going to be a big hug-it-out moment. That was another thing my father couldn’t do. I stood up and said, “Come into the kitchen. There are a couple people I’d like you to meet.” Ok, so maybe this was one last test. And obviously, he had to pass it if he was really going to be a part of my life.
Christopher was sitting on the kitchen counter, watching us closely when we came in. Of course he’d heard everything in this small apartment. And Dante was leaning against the opposite counter with his big arms crossed over his chest, muscles bulging in his tight t-shirt, a dark expression on his face and eyes blazing. I’d never seen Dante like this, in what must be full mob boss mode. Oh man, was that sexy! I had to fight back a grin.
