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“That pressure started freaking me out, because I don’t know how to run a business. I also worried about what it would mean for you and me if I had to stay in San Francisco to run the shop while you went back to L.A. for your career. I got scared I’d lose you, and the shop would go under because I didn’t know what I was doing, and Roger would lose all his money and end up hating me, and I’d fold under the stress of it all and start using again.”
He paused for a few moments and exhaled slowly before continuing, “I ended up sitting down on the curb and having a full-blown panic attack. I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those before. Not like that, anyway. I couldn’t breathe, and my heart started racing, and I got so light-headed that I was pretty sure I’d pass out. It seemed to go on for a really long time, and when it finally ended I was so angry at myself. I’d melted down over a bunch of what-ifs. I thought, how could someone who’d freak out over things they’d only imagined have any chance whatsoever of maintaining their recovery?”
After another pause, he said, in a detached sort of way, “So, as I’m sitting there, literally in the gutter, this guy comes up to me and asks me if I want to score some H. It felt like a cruel joke, a drug dealer showing up and offering me my drug of choice, just as I was questioning whether remaining clean and sober was even something I was capable of. And in that moment, I gave up on myself. I took all the money I had on me and held it out to him, and in exchange, he gave me that baggie of heroin.”
I said, “But you didn’t use it.”
He sat up a bit and met my gaze as the tears started to well up again. “But don’t you see, Riley? The fact that I bought it shows I can’t be trusted. Once I realized I couldn’t be around you anymore, I just lost it.”
“Why do you think you can’t be around me?”
“Because I refuse to drag you down with me. I just won’t do it. I love you way too much to put your recovery and your life at risk.”
I caressed his cheek and said, “That’s not how this works, Angel. You’re not going to drag me down. Instead, I’m going to hold you up, until you’re strong enough to stand without my help.”
His dark eyes searched my face as he whispered, “You are?” I nodded, and after a few moments, he said, “I scared myself last night, Riley. I thought I lost everything when I bought those drugs, including you and the life I’d been trying to build for myself. All that was left for me was a short slide back into addiction. I ended up walking to my old neighborhood and looking for my former roommate, because I figured that was where I’d probably end up. Once I found out he’d moved away, I just ran out of steam. I sat down on the front stoop and stayed there all night. I didn’t know what else to do or where to go.”
“I’m so glad I found you.”
“Me too. I really needed your help.” He was quiet for a minute or two before saying, “I don’t know why I have to be such a contradiction. On one hand, I really want to be taken care of. But then, whenever anyone tries to do that, I resent it.”
“There’s nothing easy about accepting help. For one thing, there’s pride involved. But more than that, I think you and I both learned early on not to rely on other people, because they can let you down. I used to think the only person I could trust was myself. Everyone else would just end up hurting me, so it was best not to depend on anyone. But then my trust in myself was shaken when I became an addict, and it’s taken me a long time to rebuild it.”
“That’s it exactly.”
When he yawned, I said, “We need to get you to bed.”
“I’m embarrassed to face Alastair and Sawyer after all of this. What must they think of me?”
“That you’re their friend and they love you. They’re going to be so happy to see you.”
I returned to the driver’s seat, and after we got ourselves situated I headed back across town. After a while, Gabriel murmured, “It must have been so expensive to rent this nice SUV.”
“Actually, it belongs to a new friend of mine. His name’s Vincent Dombruso, or as I like to call him, my cousin Vinny.”
“How do you know Vincent?”
“It’s a long story. I promise to tell you all about it later, after you’ve gotten some sleep.”
