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He looked like he had more to say on the subject, but he let it drop and went to work mixing up a pair of martinis. When he finished, we clinked our wine glasses together (because that was the best I could do) and took a sip. “I don’t understand how you can make an absolutely flawless martini but never learned to cook,” I said. “Because really, if you can do one, you can do the other.”
“I guess I’m a product of my upbringing,” he said, as he began working on the sandwiches. “My friends and I learned to mix drinks in high school by watching our parents at their endless cocktail and dinner parties. But we never learned to cook because we had staff for that.”
“I sometimes forget you grew up wealthy, but of course you did. Your dad was in the NFL for years, and he must have made a fortune.”
“Oh, he did, and he wasn’t about to let anyone forget it.”
“You don’t talk about your dad much. Do you two get along?”
He said, “He stopped speaking to me when I came out as bisexual.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It is what it is,” he said. “In some ways, it makes life easier. I used to waste a lot of time and energy trying to earn his respect, and now I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Hudson got what he always wanted, the title of favorite son, and I get to live my life on my terms and be happy, rather than trying to please a bitter, bigoted old man whose love comes with strings attached. Silver linings, I guess.”
“What about your mom?”
“She was indifferent, just like she is with everything.”
I muttered, “That sucks.”
He tried to play it off with a shrug, even though I could tell he was hiding a lot of pain. “At least I still had my career. My agent was sure coming out would end it. She said I’d never get cast as a romantic lead, and that middle America would stop buying tickets to my movies. But by the time I came out, I was a huge star, so my career was able to survive the backlash. I was one of the lucky ones, because I know it hasn’t gone like that for every actor who’s come out.”
“Did you ever think about staying in the closet?”
“I did that for twenty-five years, but I couldn’t keep living a lie.” He started sawing at a stick of butter with a butcher knife and changed the subject with, “This doesn’t seem to be going well.”
I took the knife from him and put it in the sink, and then I showed him how to soften butter in the microwave, which was actually news to him. It was then that I realized he hadn’t been exaggerating when he said he didn’t know how to cook. A lot of people said that, but he meant he didn’t know how to do it at all.
Making this meal seemed to really matter to him though, so I was careful not to just take over. I gave him a couple more pointers when needed, and then I sat on the counter, sipping my martini and grinning as I watched him at my stove. He stood vigil with a spatula in his hand, and every five seconds or so, he bent over, raised one of the sandwiches, and peered underneath to make sure it wasn’t burning.
Once they were golden brown, he carefully transferred them onto a pair of mismatched plates, and we sat down at my kitchen table. He watched me closely as I tore off a corner and ate it, and then he asked, “Is it okay?”
“It’s absolutely perfect.”
His face lit up as I took another big bite. He was so proud, as if he’d done something important. And I got it now. Given what I’d just learned about his life, especially the fact that he grew up with a critical father, it was no wonder he was always seeking approval.
After we finished the meal and cleaned up, Harper followed me into the living room. He settled onto the couch and indicated the guitar as he asked, “Would you play me something?”
I muttered, “You don’t really want to hear me play, do you?”
“Of course I do. I’ve watched every video on your YouTube channel, but you haven’t added a new one in over six months.”
“Yeah, it started to feel kind of pointless.” I picked up the guitar, then sat down facing him, with my back to the armrest.
He took off his sneakers, then leaned against the other armrest and put his warm feet on top of my cold ones. “Why did it feel pointless?”
“Because those videos just aren’t getting any traction. I’ve held steady at about twenty thousand followers for years, and let’s face it, they’re probably all Dallas’s fans who were curious about his twin brother.”
