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Hamish snorted with a scone piled high with whipped cream held up to his mouth. “I deserved that.”
“I did love you, when we were young, when we were married.”
“In your thrift shop dress,” he said, words muffled by a mouthful. And there was old, sarcastic Hamish, except he was grinning at her, licking his lips. “I’m joking. I can do that now. I know you did. What wasn’t to love? Plus I had my own wheels and you could push me around.”
She slathered dark jam and cream on her scone, and smiled at him. “You were very full of yourself.”
“I still am, thank you very much.”
“Good to know some things never change.”
“I have changed too. You do think so?”
She nodded. It was like the past decade had dropped away. Hamish was more like the boy she’d loved than the man she’d married. It was a head spin. So was staying in the old house with him. She’d moved there out of pride, so she wasn’t accepting Damon’s charity at first, but now it made sense to be there. She and Hamish didn’t hate each other anymore and she could live cheaply without dipping into her redundancy money.
Hamish started on his second scone. “I did love you too, you know.”
“But you weren’t in love with me.” She knew the difference now, though the lesson had been hard. She’d confused love with dependence and duty.
“Don’t think I really know what that is. I mean, being in love,” he rolled his eyes and did finger quotes around the words, “what does it mean anyway?”
It meant part of you was attached to someone else and when you were separated that part of you didn’t function as well. It meant all the colours of your life ran to pastel. It sucked loganberries.
“I thought I was in love with Eugenia and look where that left me. I really thought it was love. You’d think if it was really love, I’d have wanted to be a better person.”
“You are a better person.”
“I am, aren’t I?”
“But still smug. So very smug.”
He laughed. “And still hungry. Are you going to eat that other scone?”
She pushed her plate across to him. This time around living with Hamish was easy. He didn’t require anything of her. He liked being a music librarian, and extra consulting work paid well, bringing the kind of financial security that might have made a big difference to their marriage.
He piled sweetness on the scone. “You have changed too, you know. You’re not frightened of me for one.”
She sat straighter. “I was never frightened of you.”
“Yes, you were. Look, I was the patron saint of mood swings and you were my favourite cross to bear.”
She looked at the table. “Okay, yes. I was scared of your mood swings, but I didn’t think you’d murder me in my sleep.” She lifted her face to watch him. “I just knew no matter what I did, it wouldn’t be right for you.”
“Exactly. Long after I was meant to have adjusted, I was an A-grade fuck-up. Seriously. I was talented at making you feel small, insignificant and worthless. A complete bastard. You know there was a part of me that was cheering for you when you announced you were leaving me, going back to Sydney. I thought, finally, she’s going to escape me.”
She shook her head. “As it turns out, you left first and you could’ve asked me to leave any time.”
“I could’ve, but the thing is, I needed you. I’d have found a way to top myself in the early days if not for you. And later I needed to be cruel to you to feel better about myself. I’m not proud of it, but I can admit it.”
She sighed. “What a mess.”
“Was rather.”
They stared at each other and Hamish wasn’t angry and Georgia wasn’t confused. Who knows if they’d have made it if there’d been no Jeffrey, but being together again without the anxiety and guilt that’d married them was a comfort. They could be friends again. It was also the best reason to sign divorce papers.
Hamish broke eye contact and picked up the menu. “I’m still hungry.” He looked around for a waitress. “I’m ordering lunch.” He ordered bangers and mash and Georgia went with a sandwich. “Not to be rude or anything, but how long are you thinking of staying? You do know you’re cramping my style. What hot totty is going to want to shack up with me while my ex-wife is in the spare room?”
“You really are full of yourself.”
