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“Was the right thing to do, to stay in touch.”
“How long?”
“Maybe not long enough to wait for your news. Maybe longer. It’s hard to say.”
Her birthday, eight months away. “No.”
“I’m ready.”
“No. It’s not right.” There had to be something else, new treatments, something he hadn’t tried. “There were things you wanted to do. Jeannie, the kids. You were going to write a book.”
“I was never going to write a book. Not every ex-journalist come English teacher has a book in them. You wanted that for me. Enough ambition for both of us.”
“That’s not true.”
“It’s true now, Flicker.”
All the ice traveling in her blood made it hard to stand. She had to use the dirty brick wall behind her to stay upright. “I’m coming to see you.” She’d burn whatever bridge she had to with Cassidy Strauss to take the time to be with Drew, to see Jeannie and the kids.
“No. I’m not strong enough for that. I don’t want you to see me. Not like this. I want you to remember me how I was, younger.”
“Handsome. You’re still that way.” Grayer each year, in the Howell family holiday letter, with more laugh lines, but still a man to look at twice.
“I had hair.”
Meaning he didn’t now. “Oh, Drew.” There was ice on her face, rivers of it.
“Flicker, listen to me. We might not talk again.”
“Yes, we will. Every day.”
“No.”
“You can’t cut me off.” She was sobbing now, he might not have understood.
“Don’t, Flicker. Don’t. I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to look over your shoulder and worry. You go to Washington, you make that city yours. You be brilliant.”
“None of that matters.” Forget Washington, this was more important. She’d tell Coalition for Humanity she had a family crisis and had to decline their job offer.
“All of it matters. But what matters most is that you let me make this decision.”
“You don’t want to see me.” That was it for her knees. Jelly.
“I want to see you more than I can bear, my darling, but it would only make it harder on both of us, and I need to give all the energy I have left to Jeannie and the kids.”
“You can’t—” Cut her out. Leave. Die. Flick slammed her hand over her mouth. The words pouring out of her needed to stop. She had to pull it together. She had to sit, here in the alley, on the filthy cement curb, her shoes in the gutter.
“You’re not going to be alone.”
“You would say that.”
He laughed softly. “I get a free pass. The world is full of brilliant people. You’ll find your someone. You’ll find them when you’re ready, when they show they’re worthy of being in your life.”
She wiped at her face. “You’re lucky you get a free pass, because that’s magical thinking and you’re better than that, Drew Howell.”
“I must’ve been once because I got to love you.”
If her throat closed up any tighter she’d be unable to breathe.
