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“Well you see I was hoping you would sort of say yes because I have to ask you something important.”
“James…” I trail off because I can see him walking down the windowed corridor to my sound studio holding his cellphone up grinning wickedly. He opens the door and puts Charlie down who wiggles right up to me.
“Casey Cole.” The phone is still up to his ear and my co-hosts Natalie and Benny look as shocked as I do with big smiles splitting their shit eating grinning faces.
“Get off the phone you cornball.” I whisper harshly standing up as he kneels down simultaneously inside the studio. I block out everything else because his eyes keep me rooted to my place.
“I can’t help it. Casey Cole will you do me the honor of becoming my wife, my partner, my lover of life, and cheesesteaks.”
“Oh shit.” I realized then I can’t reach the dump button and I cursed on the air. Fuck my life. I look over to Tucker who is laughing and waves me off. My face burns with embarrassment. That’s easily a ten grand fine for both if not one of us.
“Babe, I’ll pay any FCC fine, but don’t leave me hanging.”
Benny and Natalie eyeball me whispering over their mics, “Say yes!”
“Oh my god, oh my god, yes! Yes!” James scoops me up amidst Charlie’s barking and the station cheering loudly.
“You heard it here first Philly, Casey is going to be my wife.” Our lips crush together and I can’t wait to get out of here. There’s no way I can run a show now. Buzzing between us jolts me and James releases me to stand on my own reaching for his phone.
“What is it?” James chuckles and shows me his phone already exploding with text messages.
Eli: Congrats you publicity whore. Don’t fuck it up.
LEGAL: We talked about this James…
“Assholes.” James mutters all smiles as Benny cues the dump button just in time.
I shake my head. “I don’t know babe, sounds like good advice to me.”
“You were expecting something else?” James grins.
“Well, we’ve certainly come full circle now.” I tell my fiancé between kisses and Charlie barking.
Epilogue
James
Five Years Later…
“Arrrg!” The pain is so intense I wonder if death is a better alternative. No one told me about the cramping, maybe those are sympathy pains long overdue? I’m pretty sure the pain meds have worn off. I won’t die, but I’ll come pretty damn close. The only bonus is that I’ll have Casey all to myself for a long weekend in six weeks tied to my bed, that’s if I can get over the current hurdle of wondering if my dick will work again without its swimmers. I’ve already been online using my Prime shipping for all the toys I could find and ones I don’t even know the names for. Hopefully any pain is gone by then or we’ll be holed up in the hotel staring at each other like Lucy and Ricky from twin beds. If anyone on the male counsel wants to call me in my cave and reassure me, that would be great. My number is: 215-267... yeah, maybe not.
My evil unsympathetic wife saunters by me in a daring piece of nightwear I’m sure was purchased with my credit card while I was in the recovery room waiting for her. “Come on you big baby, it’s not that bad. I’ve done this twice already.” She walks around the kitchen teasing me in a pink nightgown with fluffy feather things hanging off the bottom barely covering her rounded cheeks. A pink slip of her thong peeks through and I’m groaning in a mixed bag of misery and delight. Whatever is left of my manhood is crying on the inside, I know it.
“That’s not the same thing at all,” I point to her stomach pouting. “That is natural.” Pointing to my crotch, “this is not.” I see her face crinkle and my gorgeous witch is holding back a laugh.
“Same difference.” Smiling she shrugs and I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not the same.
“You try getting your nut sack neutralized.” Growling back at her peppy attitude I reach for the frozen bag of carrots she tosses at me one handed. I miss the pass, the bag hitting my arm bouncing off to the floor. I’m planning to spank her ass raw when I can catch her without crying, and see who needs frozen vegetables to cool their parts when all this is over.
“You try pushing out kids one after the other without an epidural.”
“Babe, if you try telling me your beautiful hoohah pushed out a watermelon I’m leaving you for Tabitha.” Tabby is our monster sitter when we want to go out and do adult things like drink champagne spritzer and be home in bed before ten o’clock on a Friday night. Oh how the might have fallen… Lucky for us she’s a spry seventy year old who lives two buildings down and owns seven cats her landlord doesn’t know about. I consider having her move in permanently, but the cats wouldn’t jive with Charlie.
“Well maybe if someone hadn’t hit the sidewalk in front of the emergency room and had to wait for a police escort I could have been happily drugged up for my delivery as planned.” I concede that she may have a point. The look she is giving me could wither a lesser man and while I’ve got my swimmers tied up, I know now that knocking her up less than a month after the wedding the first time was asking for trouble. What can I say? I’ve got super sperm and her lady parts were happy to make my guys feel right at home.
“Crashing into the emergency room sidewalk was only once. In my defense that ambulance should not have taken up the entire two lanes.” Casey’s look suggests she doesn’t like what I’m saying at all and I remind myself to buy her something expensive. She hates that even more and it will probably save my ass and whatever balls she leaves me with.
“A watermelon, James. Fuck you, a watermelon.” She snaps the dish towel against her leg and I’m really glad I’m safely ensconced here on the couch out of her whipping range. My wife has deadly aim when needed.
